Eurovision Dance Contest

Just when you thought that Eurovision couldn't get any camper. It's Strictly Come Eurovision with Wogan replacement in training Graham Norton and Claudia Winkelman. Marvel at Graham's woeful French accent! Wonder if Claudia will fall off her heels.


SWEDEN
Spotty blonde chap who is Sweden's biggest pop star (apart from Bjorn Benni et al I suppose) and the pro is a blonde too. But then they are Scandis. Mark probably fancies him anyway. Oh no! He break dances!

They start with some really bad sub-Shalimar body popping moves and it goes downhill from here.

Craig and Len like 'em.

AUSTRIA
He's very tall but the grouping of three different styles (including hip hop - well MC Hammer) is a bit odd.

DENMARK
Another spotty pop star/singer with a dance based on an old Danish ghost story . They start well enough with the theme from Twin Peaks but then it gets all interpretive. Pop Star is very bendy but he's dressed like Peter Pan and there isn't much ballroom in it.

Len hates it. Craig says: "Oh LEN get off the grass! I love it". The judges love it

AZERBAIJAN
Len can't pronounce it and advises all children to leave the room. Blimey it's Christopher Lee's secret love child. Oh brilliant! Heavy metal hammond organ interpretation of Phantom of the Opera with Azerbaijani accents and rhinestones! Love his boots. Lots of hurling about of pretty blonde lady.

Len hopes he didn't come her on the bus in that costume but loves the foxtrot. Craig hates it.

OMG this is reality TV gone mad! Vlad the Impala has just proposed to his victim! Len's too busy throwing up to comment but the Singaporean (??) judge gives them a 12.

IRELAND
Derbhla and Gavin the slightly gay-looking barman from some Norn Irish soap by the look of it. He's an Ulsterman! OK we're both dreading this. It'll have Riverdance bits in it. It starts off with jungle drums and lots of tippety tappety leg swinging to something Spanish. There's something very amusing watching a pretty lady dance in a pair of hobnail boots but...oh no they've gone all flamenco. Now they're lying down...having a rest love? Mr P notes that it's more Roscommon than Rhumba.

Craig haytes it and Len loves it. The judges loathe it.

Graham N says some complicated points stuff about the top four couples earning four times as many points again if the judges like them or something

FINLAND
We can expect something called the Finnish tango. It starts off slow but there's an accordion. Then there's a fast bit. Then there's another slow bit where the lady looks at her feet. Chap looks like Kenneth Branagh on stilts which is slightly offputting. They're going fast...slow...then fast and they're finishing with a slow bit. We noticed that Ken is supposed to be the pro but he's not as good as the lady.

Craig says that the Finnish tango is meant to be slower and in a minor key. Ummm...tango music is always in a minor key (little muso note there...)

Mediocre marks from the judges. Singapore judge is a bit of a soft touch. Len's got his eye on her though.

NETHERLANDS
Oh dearohdearohdear. Tall blond chap called Thomas who works in a Queen covers band is going to sing AND dance. Oh he's doing Angels with the Mike Samms singers doing the chorus while he does a lot of posing and pointing at the balcony. The pro seems to have lost half her dress poor girl. Oh dear...

Craig mutters about his highlights. Len tells him to stop bitching about the hair. Judges hate them

Halfway through Denmark's Peter Pan meets Twin Peaks routine is in the lead.

LITHUANIA
The "sexiest lady in Lithuania"...apparently she sings in a Girls Aloud a like group with a pro partner who makes Brendan look quite sensitive. Craig notes that his eyebrows have been plucked to within an inch of their lives.

Oh she's still got her dressing gown on. He's in white pyjamas. Perhaps they're going to take a nap...oh no the gown is off revealing a white dress covered in milk bottle tops. We think it's a samba...

Len love loves loves that. You can keep yer Danish fairies...he says...Craig hates the dressing gown.

Gladys the Singaporean judge gives it a 12.


Claudia is backstage interviewing the Danes. Danish boy is a cute pixie but Mr P says he's a spotty oik under all that foundation. Austrian chap keeps mugging to the camera. Now she's interviewing the vampires who aren't ready to go back into their coffins just yet.

UK
It's Jailbait Davetta and slightly creepy Vincent dancing to a Rolling Stones track. Good thing my mum's in Croatia or she might break the telly. Ooooh...it's Paint It Black done pasa doble stylee. Davetta has grown up a bit and...ooops there goes her skirt. Vincent tries to throw her over his shoulder and drops her instead. But it was an artistic drop...and they're doing jive which was always Davetta's star dance.

Len thought it was "nearly great". Craig loves the lift where Davetta leaps onto Craig's back and wraps herself around his waist.

Gladys only gives them an 8. The German gives them a 10 but the rest of the judges hate it. Davetta is very gracious and sweet. But we can't vote for you Davetta!

RUSSIA
She's an Olympic champion ice skater. That's cheating isn't it? He looks like he was born in a solarium.

Think this is a pasa doble/samba/chachacha melange. The dress is two sheets held together with some sparkly bits. Lots of posing and throwing of blonde ladies about.

Both Len and Craig thought it was nasty and greasy and foreign. They also hated the man's black satin shirt flapping about like an injured stingray.

GREECE
She's from Perth. He's from Sydney. They're planning on doing some chachacha/pasa doble/samba and some other stuff that I didn't catch because I was trying to work out if the location shot was somewhere we'd spent her holiday.

Oh no not the skirt coming off again. This isn't Bucks Fizz circa 1982. They've switched the music to the Dick Dale theme tune from Pulp fiction but with some bad hippety hoppety rap nonsense...

Craig: The only Greek thing about that dance was the houmus coloured dress. The judges will probably love it and the man's demi wave is quite ludicrous.

PORTUGAL
She's a Fado singer partnered with Cristiano Ronaldo...they're really sweet and giggly actually.

Oh she's wearing something with sleeves...there's a first. Oh Ronaldo has just ripped them off. I sense more will come off soon. That skirt looks a bit iffy for starters. He's throwing her around a lot but their footwork is pretty nifty considering they have to skip over piles discarded clothing as they dance. It's like my daughter's bedroom.

Craig and Len think it went as well as could be expected.

The judges hayte it. Len disagrees. I mean I know why the UK is perennially unpopular in Eurovision...but what did Portugal do wrong?

POLAND
Craig thinks they look sweet. They look terribly wholesome and technically good.

At first glance the dress looks like a one-piece so I don't think anything can come off. Polish chap (actor) moves like a cat and....oh I wrote too soon. In the time it takes to cue up Michael Jackson her white dress has been replaced by a Wonderwoman outfit. They are very very good.

Len: "The best thing was when the white top came off and you could see what a lovely pair they were..."

Craig wants to know if the chap has a twin brother...

Judges go: hmmmmm...and give them 40

UKRAINE
Another Olympic gymnast. She looks like a skinny Janine Butcher. Len and Crag have high hopes.

There isn't enough of the young lady's costume to rip off (I could be wrong...) but at least they haven't gone for some jazzed up Ukrainian folk song. About 30 seconds in they start doing cockney braces snapping.

OMG there's a jazzed up Ukrainian folk middle eight...then they go back to the slightly Cuban main song. The Ukrainians in the audience seem to have raided the parks of Glasgow to make flowery head dresses.

Len likes her feet and ankles but hates the routine. Craig just mumbles into his beer.

The judges like it more than they liked Davetta and Vincent...


After some backstage stuff where the dancers arrive at Glasgow airport/lose their luggage/tour the sights of Glasgow. They get a chance to scowl at each other in rehearsal for...

THE BIG GROUP DANCE
Everybody gets a go at a solo bit. Vlad engulfs his new fiancee in his cape and the Irish go for the full "My Lovely Horse" vote with more tippety tappety dancing. I think they're dancing to an Amy Winehouse but all chantoosies seem to sound like Amy these days. The musicians then decide to channel the Andrews sisters via the Puppinis. And the Poles cheerfully dance the arses off the competition again.

Graham has changed his jacket to something more sporty. Claudia probably has a new set of heels but I can't see. There's a blast of bagpipes which according to Graham means "les lignes sont maintenant closed". And we can look forward do a medley from the new production of Carousel starring Lesley Garrett. The sofa opinion of our Lesley is that she seems like a lovely person but our ex neighbour Marilyn would have done better. In fact she do better about twelve years ago. Though we are of the opinion that opera singers should stay away from jazz so what do we know?

Lesley et all belt through June is bustin' out all over and You'll never walk alone with straight faces. There's a short interval with the backstage interviews and Graham steps in with the scores.

Complicated maths stuff that even Mr P can't explain mean that the UK end up with 8 points and Ireland gets NUL POINTS. Can they make it up with the phone votes? I think not

Sweden gives 8 pts to Denmark. Len says: "Well they are neighbours"; unaware perhaps of Sweden and Denmark's centuries-old animosity.

Austria are a bit more generous to the UK but give the biggest score to Poland. Graham relishes saying: "Goodnight Vienna" because he's like that.

Denmark features Jens who somehow hits Graham's flirt button. The Danes give Ireland 4 pts and the UK 5 pts. Top scores go to Sweden and Poland. Len notes that the Polish lady is getting a bit excited.

Azerbaijani lady milks her moment. Graham looks uncomfortable as the Irish get 6 pts and top marks go to the neighbours in the Ukraine.

Ireland are next and they generously give us 8 points. So that's four points off for 500 years of colonial oppression then? Poland get the top marks. More shots of lovely Polish lady waving her legs around.

Don't bother flirting with Graham Finnish lady; it'll only end in tears. Russia gets the top marks and Len vows to never set foot in Finland again - well he's never been there but now he won't ever go...

Netherlands. Len thinks the Dutch like us. Hmm...I'm thinking: Thirty Years' War...but no I'm wrong. The UK gets 10 points...and Poland gets the top score. So the UK only has another 5o points to catch up with Poland...

Lithuania gets a wave from Graham and they give Ireland 5 points. Azerbaijan gets the top marks and Craig complains that Azerbaijan wasn't even a country when he was at school...

Smiley Carol Smillie briskly gives 8 points to Ireland and Poland get the full marks. Len demands to know why the Irish couldn't reciprocate as generously.

The Russian lady doesn't know Graham either. Obviously the Oleg Gordievsky scandal has had an effect because the UK only get 1 point while the Irish get 8 points. Craig and Len are livid that "plastic tapping stuff" gets more marks than throwing Davetta up and under...

Greece gives Poland enough points to scoot into the lead and offers 12 points to Russia. Eh?

Portugal are next. Graham is getting bored with the flirty ladies and briskly asks for the scores. Russia get the top points and UK gets nothing. Len says his Christmas trip to the Algarve is CANCELLED. Actually his holiday options are narrowing to Rotterdam and Torquay.

There appears to be a power cut in the Ukraine. Russia gets douze points and Graham dismisses the sultry young lady with a wave.

Poland give the UK 1 point. Len: "Every waiter we've got is a Pole and all we get is 1 point." Craig: "Well it's clear that Poland has no taste..." Azerbaijan gets 12 points.

Yep it's Poland. Wonderwoman leaps onto the man next to her. Graham is philosophical. Wonderwoman calms down long enough to put her white dress back on for the victory dance. And we can all get ready for the real event on the 27th...