BIG BROTHER 7 – WHY GOD, WHY?
I missed the first half hour because the Little ‘Un wanted to watch Shrek 2, and Mr P insisted that BB never started on a Thursday, was I mad, or what etc…so straight into it with…

BONNIE
SARAH: Or “Bonn-uh”. She’s my Pre-selected Housemate, and I know absolutely nothing about her except that she’s small, Northern and slightly nondescript. The utterly crap 90s-tastic BB website (I mean, how far below the fold can you get?) says absolutely nothing about her or any of the housemates yet. Apparently she got booed, so maybe she said something bitchy in the auditions.

Sarah’s verdict: Bet she says “Whatev-uh” a lot. Two weeks at the most.

MARK: Something of a hard faced slappah with pencilled in eyebrows and comedy accent. She will never live down the whole thing of not being able to pronounce her own name properly ("Bon-hur?" "Bonno?" etc etc). seems a bit dull and quiet once she is in there.

PETER
SARAH: Saw him falling down the stairs. Apparently he has Tourette’s, but only in front of a camera. I will probably come to regret this crass and uncharitable comment in about a month’s time.

Sarah’s verdict: I dunno…possibly the Dark Horse. Possibly out by Sunday.

MARK: OMG it is hyperactive Lee Evans if you can imagine such a thing. Think it is a bit dodgy putting someone with a neurological condition in there but he'll probably get loads of sympathy votes and win the bastard.

GEORGE
SARAH: Posh boy who is probably The Hon Laird McTrooser Of That Ilk, or some such stupid title enjoyed by the Planted Post-Culloden Scottish Aristocracy. Is scared of transvestites and doesn’t like loud and lairy gay men. Has he ever watched this programme?

And if he’s so posh, why is he dressed like a regular of Yates Wine Lodge?

Sarah’s verdict: Possibly the producers thought they were getting a Bertie Wooster type, but initial impressions suggest Gussie Fink-Nottle. Five weeks.

MARK: Dull posho whose only claim to fame is that he once drunkenly groped Princess Beatrice, possibly. We can only hope that he will turn into a cockfarmer like Timmeh from a few years back but seems a bit quiet so far.

SHAHBAZ
SARAH: Please. Shut. Up. Well, he knits, which is a Good Thing. And he’d probably calm down after a damn good seeing-to. Which he won’t get.

MARK: Hysterical gaylord who runs around shreiking "OH MY GOD!!!" when any goddam thing happens and who keeps feeling people up and getting right up into their personal space. Reminds me totally of Graham Norton's character off
Father Ted. Will not last long, methinks.

LEA
SARAH: Apparently a “model and body artist”. That’s porn then. Face like leather; tits like footballs. Popbitch has been going mad on her porn star past, so I expect the tabs to follow soon.

MARK: 35? Shyeah right. One of those people who says "I'm happy the way I am and don't care what anyone thinks" when you just know she has so many issues re her appearance. Seems alright once she is in there though.

IMOGEN
SARAH: Nope…forgotten already. Oh, hang on, was she the ex-Miss Wales? Not exactly Catherine Zeta Jones, is she?

MARK: Quite pretty in a natural way but otherwise forgettable. One for the straight boys to look at.

MIKEY
SARAH: Pretty boy and apparently unreconstructed male chauvinist pig of a type that I thought belonged in a Museum of Shiteness (there’s probably one in Oslo) or farming cocks in the South African veld. I blame the parents.

Sarah’s verdict: I hope he dies in a vat of burning bras.

MARK: Vernon Kay looking modelly boy with big nose and generic indie boy hair. Inspires instant hate with his "Feminism is rubbish, where's my tea, mum?" type speech.

GLYN
SARAH: Apparently the sexiest lifeguard in North Wales. How many lifeguards are there in North Wales and were sheep automatically disqualified? He reminded me of Siadwel from Absolutely. Turned up in his Baywatch kit. Put it away, boy.

Sarah’s verdict: Cannon fodder

MARK: Apparently people used to throw rocks at him at school. Good. Has weird dead eyes and keeps getting his kit off, even though he looks like a plucked chicken. Goes into the house in a Baywatch type outfit - ha ha, I hope he doesn't get his suitcase for weeks.

DAWN
SARAH: Hates everything and everybody except exercise. Is a professional grumbler, apparently. I have friends a bit like her.

Sarah’s verdict: Has potential. She’s on my “like” list.

MARK: Ooo! An existentialist stroke nihilist! Class! Despite overdoing the grumpiness on her video, she seems nice and chatty in the house, but what the hell is an exercise scientist?? I also like her at first glance.

RICHARD
SARAH: Young Man! There’s no need to feel down…etc. Already being called “Brokeback Mountie” on certain BB threads. He seems like a lot of fun.

Sarah’s verdict: Possible winner.

MARK: Hurrah! A big strapping muscle queen! Seems affable and self confident, but isn't "sexual terrorist" just a pretentious term for "slag"? Also, what is up with the glove? Does he have a robot hand or something? I like him anyway.

GRACE
Perky, permatanned “Sloane Ranger” with her own flat (bought by parents) in Notting Hill. Wears cowboy boots. Almost interchangeable with Bonnuh or Imogen. I'm trying hard not to hate her.

Sarah’s verdict:. Too anonymous to survive

MARK:Generic blonde sloaney girl. I also try not to hate her re the flat but fail. Next!

LISA
SARAH: Loud. Chinese. Mancunian. Looks like a laugh if she turns the volume down.

Sarah’s verdict: Last ten, then she’s off.

MARK:Very loud and funny and seems likeable enough. Needs to stop saying "mint" though.

SEZER
SARAH:…a geezer, innee? Rough childhood, adolescent city trader approaching burnout and looking for a change of career.

Sarah’s verdict: Either a complete cock, or Mr Nice Guy. Haven’t decided yet.

MARK:Tiny turkish geezer with rubbish hair and fit body. Inspires hatred by saying "Sezer's Palace! Recognise!" before he goes in the house but will probably be good value in an horndog type way. Leaves other "straight alpha male" contenders like George and Mikey in the dust.

NIKKI
SARAH: The Chantelle-a-like. I find it impossible to hate her. Yet.

Sarah’s verdict: Possible winner, especially if she gets it on with Sezer.

MARK:Ugh, she is basically Shannon from Footballers Wives but without the incisive intellect. Inspires hatred by saying she wants to marry a footballer and calls buses "peasant wagons". Came 4th in Miss Hertfordshire once. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, you know that scene in Shrek 2 when the king walks into the dodgy bar to engage Puss's services? That's what the closing scene looked like. All you needed was Captain Hook playing Tom Waits karaoke on a broken piano to make it real.