TEAM BRITNEY
Well, they're thick, they're skanky and they like dressing up in school uniforms and kissing each other, according ot the BB website anyway. Lesleh, Vanessa and Craig are tired of being ignored by the cameras, so they've launched a full-on bitchfest trio called Team Britney. Craig tries so hard, bless him. But he has to wake up and realise that being slightly unpleasant and camp on national TV does not transform him from dull, spotty hairdresser to Graham Norton overnight.
So far we've had Craig's slightly desperate (and appallingly successful) impersonation of Britney Spears, Vanessa and Lesleh's boob talk, and now the girls are getting it ON.

I blame the rise of middle shelf semi-porn mags for this idea that lesbian sex is somehow something that women do to arouse men. In my (albeit limited) experience, the sight of two women twiddling each others' bits is not something that would get me going, but maybe the men like the idea of women doing all the hard foreplay work so they can just leap in at the right moment and get their jollies. Twice. If they're lucky. It brings a whole new raft of meaning to the term "lazy fucker".

Anyway, Vanessa and Lesleh have been thrown together in Saskia's not inconsiderable shadow, and they've decided to enjoy themselves while they're there. BB tells us that they enjoyed a good grope and a lingering snog in full view of the Lad Brigade last night, following a "sexy striptease" by Makosi. It makes Jade's drunken blowjob look classy.

Well, I suppose it's about time Vanessa did something, but Girlfriend, that's a bit cheap even by Thornton Heath standards! Don't you realise it ties you to a career of "sexy photoshoots", ill-advised cosmetic surgery and eating disorders. Not to mention a nasty rash or three and a possible baby from over-enthusiastic Championship League footballers - or minor Premiership full-backs if you're lucky. OK, it's better than working at Tesco's, but...have you no dignity at all?

Other news. Roberto ranted about wasting food, then did some more naked massages but the kiddies are turning against him and his dad-like ways. Everybody hates Derek, except Kemal and Science. Derek doesn't give a toss.

Sam is weird. Totally. Weird. I mean, who spends their life hanging around being ignored by the dominant crowd, then runs into the diary room to tell them that she's feeling well horny for AnTHony and/or Maxie and/or Science like some failed phone sex line auditionee. That was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes of television that I've seen since...I dunno...ODen's death scene. I wonder if the BB producers went "Ew! Ew!" and sprayed the diary room with Dettox afterwards.

Sam's slightly pathetic attempts to win group approval by picking on Derek prompted an all-out Kabul-style blanket water-bombing from Science on the rest of the house. Much howling, threats and more crap from AnTHony and Maxie. Science got sent to bed without any supper. Maxie puffed out his man-breasts, and Sam disappeared from my view again. Thank goodness.

Mary's eviction was a blow to us all. But she's turning out to be surprisingly articulate, non-irritating and charming on BBLB, so her future on minor cable psychic channels is assured, I suppose. What with all this simulated sex, tantrums and craziness, this BB is turning into the most surreal evah. Can they really keep this going all summer?

Scary Mary: The Shocking Truth!

Robin is clearly incorrect re her "Mary = Regan-from-the-Exorcist" hypothesis. Let us examine the evidence. Mystic Mary has mad staring eyes and extremely long black lank hair. She is obviously the scary killer ghost lady from "The Ring"!!! If she is evicted on Friday, she won’t just go out of the front door and have a chat with Davina – oh no, she will actually crawl out of the telly and stop our hearts with her dread gaze! Therefore it is vitally important that everyone votes for Craig and votes often! Our lives depend on it! (more to the point, Craig is borrrrring and Mary is comedy gold).

In other news, my girl Lesleh has hit upon the unique strategy of only ever talking about breasts. Who has got the biggest breasts? Who has got the fakest breasts? What is the geographical distribution of breast sizes around the nation? Breast breasts breasts breasts breasts. The only time she didn’t talk about breasts was when she was nominating Sam in the diary room. The Buxotic Bruiser said that Sam was an arse and not much else. Clearly she had to go as she was an arse and not BREASTS!!!

This strategy is paying dividends as Lesleh was the only housemate not to be nominated by anyone this week. She is some kind of tictacal genius! (does anyone remember BB2 Helen and her "tictacs"? Bless.)

Go Lesleh! Go Lesleh! etc

NOMINATIONS: Classic Quotes

Anthony on Makosi: "She says she was an elephant, right? Well how come she's got such a shite memory?"

Derek on Sam: "She is an ASSASSIN"

Derek on Saskia: "It is wrong to substitute boobs for thought"

Makosi escapes the public vote this week by a whisker. Unfortunately so do Sam the Slapper and Roberto, as they all got exactly the same number of votes. Makosi chose Mystic Mary and Common Craig to face the public vote - and boy, did she take her time about it.


Not that I want to influence your voting or anything, but if Mystic Mary wasn't in there, she'd need care in the community. Vote Craig!

Big Brothel 6

I find it really heartening to hear that there are people in this world
that are passionate about things that are really important, like Robin's
other half and the French verdict on Europe, which amounted to a big
"pah!" as far as I could tell. I, on the other hand, am much more
concerned with finding great depths in murky shallows, and BB6 is
providing both in abundance.

Makosi finally got a handle on what she was supposed to do, and hack
everyone off. Once she got the hang of it she did it in impressive
style, and is possibly subverting BB's original intention of being
unlucky by getting the public to sympathise with her and even like her
while annoying her fellow inmates. Or was that their twisted plan all
along, bwa haa haa. Will she carry on acting the prima donna once the
shackles are off though? BB possibly overdid it when everybody got their
suitcases back but Makosi was given the wrong key. After an hour of
tears and pleading they gave her a bunch of about 200 keys and said
"take your time, shweetheart". At this point I thought it would be a
good idea to get Mystic Mary on the case and use her special all-seeing
enormous eyes and powers of divination to pick out the right key. In
fact I think someone did ask her but she made some excuse like "my
powers are weak today, and I don't do keys".

I salute BB's idea of "unlucky 13th housemate" as it is a worthy attempt
to prevent the most-nominated (and therefore the most interesting)
person being given the heave-ho too early. Talking of ho's, how come
Channel4 feel no guilt about having instructed their minions with "bring me
your candidates with the mightiest boobies"? I'm surprised they didn't
send for the Triple-Breasted Whores of Babylon but instead had to make
do with rack upon rack of mighty racks. Maxwell's head is dizzy with
pain from being over-ladded. If he stays in any length of time he's
going to develop a serious neck problem. I fluctuate with liking and
loathing of Maxwell, he's the most irritating of lads but then does his
penitent puppy look and everyone goes "ahhh" and then he's back to "get
yer tits out fer the lads" in virtually the same move. Probably yet
another example of sensitive caring person hiding it all away in the
comfort zone of being a Laddite. But can anyone be bothered to scratch
the surface? Claw the surface more like.

Robin reckoned she saw Derek speaking in rhyme, and yes I saw that bit
too. I wondered at the time if that was just him idly entertaining
himself while everybody slept, or if it was a well-rehearsed piece of
ad-lib trying to nab the role of lovable eccentric. Judging by the lack
of rhyming or meter in his rap (yes they were all asked to do a
mini-task rap - particularly enjoyed deadpan BB voice giving out "nuff
respect" etc) I would say he doesn't possess much in the way of a
natural facility with rhyming couplets, so I'm inclined to suspect he
has a series of rehearsed speeches logged to memory to be whipped out
when appropriate.

I had Kemal down as the winner as this just from his audition tape, and
he hasn't disappointed. Camper than Charles Hawtrey dancing on fairy
cakes, with beguiling eyes and (reasonably) quick wit he's got this sewn
up in a sequinned Gucci purse (if they do such things - if not they may
have to start). I was a bit alarmed when he first entered the house and
said "is this the house?", then entered the bedroom with 11 beds and
said "is this the bedroom?", but will put this down to nerves as he
since shown considerably stronger powers of awareness. He and Derek
worked out Makosi's task and are enjoying being part of the wind-up,
this kind of analysis is well beyong the rest of the bunch.

My PSH, Craig, is proving to be conspicuous only by his anonymity.
Little to say other than to swear a lot, I predict he will last longer
than he should because he will be told to make like the two Julies in
Bad Girls and do my hair, bitch. Also, although he offends the general
public (well, me anyway) he doesn't seem to be offending the housemates,
although of course he has a capital "L" imprinted on his forehead so
tactically it suits everybody that he stays as long as possible.

Roberto - did he really lie down and gesture at his face and body and
say to the group "this is a gift - a gift"? I hope he donates his vanity
to science - no not that Science. The Ali G of BB6 will not be long for
this programme, I can't help wondering if he has a brother called Social
Science. Not only is he from the hood, but he can analyse the social
conditions that got him there.

BIG BROTHER
I take it back about Makosi. She's playing them like puppets and muttering "dance monkeys! dance!!" under her breath. Only Kemal and Derek have worked out that she's up to something, and they're gleefully joining in the wind-up.

Vanessa hasn't done anything of note. Other than nervously agree with Craig, who keeps moaning quietly about the others. The Hair Bare Bunch (Lesleh, Saskia and Mystic Mary) seem to be doing lots of bitching about each others' breasts. Sam seems to be concentrating on diverting male attention away from Lesleh's breasts. This is a full-time job, it seems.

Comment of the night from Sam in response to Saskia moaning that she only gets offered "glamour" work: "You're not even all that glamour, really..."