CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

Well, it's here at last. Our six-monthly fix of classic reality TV is on RIGHT NOW. Coming to you live and direct from a sofa in glamorous Peckham, the TV Dinners BB team (well, Sarah and Mr P anyway) is on hand with reactions, arguments about whose turn it is to make the tea, and carefully honed insults.

Davina appears to have gone for the Croydon Vampire look this evening. I haven't seen earrings that big since Sade was going out with Robert Elms. This year's house hasn't changed much. The hot tub is bigger and the outside seats are heated. The Slebs apparently demand privacy in the toilet and shower, which I'm quite glad about actually. If I want to see some washed out old has-been chopping out lines in the middle of the night I'll go to China Whites

Mark Oh shut up Davina, you're not funny and just because you've had a few babies it doesn't mean you're an expert on wombs. I also made comments on her witch like attire, though there is the possibility that she was going to pull off a daring jewel theft straight after the show.

Housemate 1: JERMAINE JACKSON
OK, what's going on here? Has somebody on high decided that the Jacksons MUST PAY for the destruction of young Michael's soul by appearing on crappy reality shows. Last night we had Tito in a bowler hat, delivering soul man Yoda-isms on Just the Two of Us ("Mmm...listen to the record you must"). And on Channel 4 we have Jermaine Jackson going into the Big Brother house. Jermaine is a clean freak who does white glove tests on the furniture. He is also a very picky eater, and doesn't know if he'll have to cook his own meals. His face appears to have melted.

Apparently he loves the Central Line.

Mark ...and has stolen Grace Jone's hair. I wonder if the Jackson family get a bulk discount for those hideous braided pseudo military jackets?

Housemate 2: Danielle Lloyd?
Apparently a former ex Miss Great Britain who was had her title taken away for dating one of the judges, who happens to be God of Football (shut up Mark) Teddy Sheringham. Shopaholic Scouser and "full time model" - pretty enough, but a bit bland. Why are people booing her? Does she skin kittens and wear them on her feet?

She thinks Winston Churchill was Britain's first black prime minister.

Don't think she knows who Jermaine is. Awkward silence. Nope, she definitely doesn't know who Jermaine is...

Mark I'm sorry but Teddy Sheringham has a face like a bag of spanners and she could surely do better. What people will do to get their hands on a Top Shop store card, eh?

Housemate 3: Ken Russell
WHAAAAT?

Yes, THAT Ken Russell. Alan Bates doing naked wrestling in front of the fire... future London Mayor candidate Glenda Jackson getting her threps out...Oliver Reed tossing crocodiles out of the window.... He comes out of the car yodelling Singing in the Rain and looking a bit scared. Apparently he identifies with Mad Pete and starts doing Tourettes style jerking and swearing. Oh dear.

Neither Danielle or Jermaine know who he is. He introduces himself as "an old film maker" and says they've never heard of his films.

Mark WTF??? Did Michael Winner ask for too much money or something? Gets out of his car dressed as a gypsy troubador for some reason and seems to be very very drunk. Davina has to help him down the stairs - perhaps they can get a Stannah stairlift installed in time for his eviction.

Housemate 4: Jo off SClub
Didn't she do Just the Two of Us last year? Anyway, I remember she was the one who could actually sing (though the Atomic Kitten was still way better). Has retired from the music industry to breed very ugly small dogs. The Heat photographer goes crazy and she's blinded by the paparazzi flashes. Lot of SClub fans in tonight. She looks scared and denies any plans to bring out a single when it's all over. Yeah, right...

I think she'll get on well with Ken. He'll probably cast her as Clara Schumann in his next composer biopic.

Mark Seems like a very nice girl. All the gays in the audience go crazy

Housemate 5: Leo Sayer
I would have thought he'd have made enough money from that summer 06 number 1. Oh well. He's "very positive" and doesn't have many negative qualities. Apart from making you want to punch him repeatedly in the face. The mid-Ulster farmer's daughter who lived next door to me in Halls was Leo Sayer's Number 1 fan and had posters of him all over her room. She also collected Leo memorabilia...

Jermaine greets him like an old friend, and Ken says: "Oooh...I know who you are..."

Mark Oh good, a wacky fun housemate. We don't get enough of them.

Housemate 6: Shulpa Sheti
Ah... a Bollywood queen. Is scared by the idea that people might not recognise her. Constantly travels with an entourage. Polite cheers from the crowd. Well, she is very glam and queenly, if slightly dim. Thinks her reception is a bit low-key and hasn't seen much of Big Brother. Davina is beside herself with glee and has to help her up the stairs.

Ken's going to love her. Danielle greets her politely with a "Who the hell are you?" look.

Mark Very beautiful and glamorous. I somehow can't see her mud wrestling in a paddling pool full of offal though. I wonder if loads of British Asians will vote for her and keep her in, like when you see all those Bollywood films in the top 10 UK box office.

Housemate 7: Carole Malone
A tabloid columnist. Doesn't like WAGS (oops...that's Danielle buggered then) or people who are famous for appearing in reality shows. Apparently doing the show because she's a journalist and it's the best story ever. Think Vanessa Feltz scooped you in CBB1, Carole.

Swears a lot. Somebody shouts: "Who are yer?"

Walks in and tells everybody that she knew they'd be there.

Mark I can only assume she has a book deal or something. I instinctively want to hate her but she doesn't seem too bad really.

Housemate 8: Donny Tourette
Lead singer of the Towers of London - a young persons band, I presume. Kind of Rainbow meets Bad News meets Splodgenessabounds meets an Amish TV producer's idea of a rock band. Spits, swears and looks like Paul Kaye playing Rod Stewart. Bet his real name is Oliver.

Greets Leo Sayer like a long-lost brother. Apparently he used to hang out chez Leo in Buckinghamshire...

Mark Is apparently most famous for (a) going out with Peaches Geldof and (b) starting fights with people and losing, ha ha. So an irritating dull scenester c**t, then?

Housemate 9: H from Steps
Or Ian, as he is called now he's a Serious Actor. Oh hang on, I read in somebody's else's Metro that H has come out as gay. Isn't that like cheese admitting that it's made from fermented milk?

His biggest fear is crotch shots. He wants to be himself and make lots of wicked friends. I give him a week.

Big hugs from Jo SClub. Awww...bless.

Mark Looks about 1 million times better with dark brown hair but is still an irritating clown. Ohs noes - he will split the "gays with bad taste in music " vote for Jo.

Housemate 10: Cleo Roccas
I remember her cleavage from the Kenny Everett show in the 70s, and she appears to have aged quite well. Sees herself as a "happy doodle on God's telephone pad". Maybe the housemates will band together and rub her out.

Classic quote: "I'm into Oil. Old, Ill, and Loaded..." Gets a house point for that.

Mark (shrugs vaguely) Could be fun or could be like Suzy from the last normal BB.

Housemate 11: Dirk Benedict
Face from the A-Team. Admits to specialising in the "shallow" and "vapid". Hates groups, being observed and working. Mr P mildly excited, but I never watched the A-Team so I've no idea who he is.

Enters in an A-team style van puffing a cigar. We like that. Does lots of tiresome goofing about for the screaming mob. Davina says that famous Hannibal Smith line and in he goes.

Looks terrified. Immediately hits on Danielle..

Mark I used to watch the A-Team and Face was the least hateful one! I hope there is a task where he has to build a tank out of fruit crates and washing up liquid bottles.

Housemate 12:
Well, they don't move in until Friday. And it's going to be a family. Who will adopt the cutest celebrity or something like that, and Davina says that the slebs should fight adoption with all their sleb might. So, what, the Gallaghers are moving in? Or maybe it's the next door neighbours from HELL who used to throw eggs and assorted foodstuff at us?

WELL I GIVE A MONKEY'S FART!

What a difference a week makes. BB has gone from unmissable to awful to unmissable again in about three days. It is like a roller coaster of emotions and Heat magazine hacks will be reduced to smoking puddles of hysteria by the time it is all over. Sensible Dawn, Raving Mentalist Shabhaz and Thick Lipped Posho George have all walked. The Teen muppets have paired off and become jealous at each other for said pairing off in record time. The group has split into “young breeders in love” versus “the rest” in record time too.

Grace (aka young margeret beckett) is now like the lead heather of bitchville. Imogen is just dull and whiny. Lisa is loud and annoying. Mikey is a dull blank cipher. Sezer has turned into a hateful little cockfarmer but will surely get the boot on Friday. I must have imagined it but did he say he is a Jeanette Winterson fan? Weird. Richard is kind of annoying. Lea is moany. Pete is a darling (I love it when he says “meow!” in his tourettes tic attacks) and Glyn is amusingly gauche. Nicki is pretty dreadful with her childish whining and hysterics (I CAN’T DRINK TAPWATER! I HAVE A MIGRAIINE! ETC!!) but is also pretty funny. Keep her in pls!

We also have two new housemates. Sam – who is kind of like a she-male version of Traci Bingham (super! awesome! etc) and Aishlene (sp???) - when I first heard about her I thought “Oh god, not another dull promotions girl stroke model” but she seems to be good value – hard as nails and with a keen Sezer bullshit detector.

Sezer, Richard and Lea are up for eviction and it seems as though Sezer is bound to go – I can’t wait to see his, Grace’s and Imogen’s faces when his name is called out. TV Gold! (why yes, I am counting my chickens etc…)

BIG BROTHER 7 – WHY GOD, WHY?
I missed the first half hour because the Little ‘Un wanted to watch Shrek 2, and Mr P insisted that BB never started on a Thursday, was I mad, or what etc…so straight into it with…

BONNIE
SARAH: Or “Bonn-uh”. She’s my Pre-selected Housemate, and I know absolutely nothing about her except that she’s small, Northern and slightly nondescript. The utterly crap 90s-tastic BB website (I mean, how far below the fold can you get?) says absolutely nothing about her or any of the housemates yet. Apparently she got booed, so maybe she said something bitchy in the auditions.

Sarah’s verdict: Bet she says “Whatev-uh” a lot. Two weeks at the most.

MARK: Something of a hard faced slappah with pencilled in eyebrows and comedy accent. She will never live down the whole thing of not being able to pronounce her own name properly ("Bon-hur?" "Bonno?" etc etc). seems a bit dull and quiet once she is in there.

PETER
SARAH: Saw him falling down the stairs. Apparently he has Tourette’s, but only in front of a camera. I will probably come to regret this crass and uncharitable comment in about a month’s time.

Sarah’s verdict: I dunno…possibly the Dark Horse. Possibly out by Sunday.

MARK: OMG it is hyperactive Lee Evans if you can imagine such a thing. Think it is a bit dodgy putting someone with a neurological condition in there but he'll probably get loads of sympathy votes and win the bastard.

GEORGE
SARAH: Posh boy who is probably The Hon Laird McTrooser Of That Ilk, or some such stupid title enjoyed by the Planted Post-Culloden Scottish Aristocracy. Is scared of transvestites and doesn’t like loud and lairy gay men. Has he ever watched this programme?

And if he’s so posh, why is he dressed like a regular of Yates Wine Lodge?

Sarah’s verdict: Possibly the producers thought they were getting a Bertie Wooster type, but initial impressions suggest Gussie Fink-Nottle. Five weeks.

MARK: Dull posho whose only claim to fame is that he once drunkenly groped Princess Beatrice, possibly. We can only hope that he will turn into a cockfarmer like Timmeh from a few years back but seems a bit quiet so far.

SHAHBAZ
SARAH: Please. Shut. Up. Well, he knits, which is a Good Thing. And he’d probably calm down after a damn good seeing-to. Which he won’t get.

MARK: Hysterical gaylord who runs around shreiking "OH MY GOD!!!" when any goddam thing happens and who keeps feeling people up and getting right up into their personal space. Reminds me totally of Graham Norton's character off
Father Ted. Will not last long, methinks.

LEA
SARAH: Apparently a “model and body artist”. That’s porn then. Face like leather; tits like footballs. Popbitch has been going mad on her porn star past, so I expect the tabs to follow soon.

MARK: 35? Shyeah right. One of those people who says "I'm happy the way I am and don't care what anyone thinks" when you just know she has so many issues re her appearance. Seems alright once she is in there though.

IMOGEN
SARAH: Nope…forgotten already. Oh, hang on, was she the ex-Miss Wales? Not exactly Catherine Zeta Jones, is she?

MARK: Quite pretty in a natural way but otherwise forgettable. One for the straight boys to look at.

MIKEY
SARAH: Pretty boy and apparently unreconstructed male chauvinist pig of a type that I thought belonged in a Museum of Shiteness (there’s probably one in Oslo) or farming cocks in the South African veld. I blame the parents.

Sarah’s verdict: I hope he dies in a vat of burning bras.

MARK: Vernon Kay looking modelly boy with big nose and generic indie boy hair. Inspires instant hate with his "Feminism is rubbish, where's my tea, mum?" type speech.

GLYN
SARAH: Apparently the sexiest lifeguard in North Wales. How many lifeguards are there in North Wales and were sheep automatically disqualified? He reminded me of Siadwel from Absolutely. Turned up in his Baywatch kit. Put it away, boy.

Sarah’s verdict: Cannon fodder

MARK: Apparently people used to throw rocks at him at school. Good. Has weird dead eyes and keeps getting his kit off, even though he looks like a plucked chicken. Goes into the house in a Baywatch type outfit - ha ha, I hope he doesn't get his suitcase for weeks.

DAWN
SARAH: Hates everything and everybody except exercise. Is a professional grumbler, apparently. I have friends a bit like her.

Sarah’s verdict: Has potential. She’s on my “like” list.

MARK: Ooo! An existentialist stroke nihilist! Class! Despite overdoing the grumpiness on her video, she seems nice and chatty in the house, but what the hell is an exercise scientist?? I also like her at first glance.

RICHARD
SARAH: Young Man! There’s no need to feel down…etc. Already being called “Brokeback Mountie” on certain BB threads. He seems like a lot of fun.

Sarah’s verdict: Possible winner.

MARK: Hurrah! A big strapping muscle queen! Seems affable and self confident, but isn't "sexual terrorist" just a pretentious term for "slag"? Also, what is up with the glove? Does he have a robot hand or something? I like him anyway.

GRACE
Perky, permatanned “Sloane Ranger” with her own flat (bought by parents) in Notting Hill. Wears cowboy boots. Almost interchangeable with Bonnuh or Imogen. I'm trying hard not to hate her.

Sarah’s verdict:. Too anonymous to survive

MARK:Generic blonde sloaney girl. I also try not to hate her re the flat but fail. Next!

LISA
SARAH: Loud. Chinese. Mancunian. Looks like a laugh if she turns the volume down.

Sarah’s verdict: Last ten, then she’s off.

MARK:Very loud and funny and seems likeable enough. Needs to stop saying "mint" though.

SEZER
SARAH:…a geezer, innee? Rough childhood, adolescent city trader approaching burnout and looking for a change of career.

Sarah’s verdict: Either a complete cock, or Mr Nice Guy. Haven’t decided yet.

MARK:Tiny turkish geezer with rubbish hair and fit body. Inspires hatred by saying "Sezer's Palace! Recognise!" before he goes in the house but will probably be good value in an horndog type way. Leaves other "straight alpha male" contenders like George and Mikey in the dust.

NIKKI
SARAH: The Chantelle-a-like. I find it impossible to hate her. Yet.

Sarah’s verdict: Possible winner, especially if she gets it on with Sezer.

MARK:Ugh, she is basically Shannon from Footballers Wives but without the incisive intellect. Inspires hatred by saying she wants to marry a footballer and calls buses "peasant wagons". Came 4th in Miss Hertfordshire once. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, you know that scene in Shrek 2 when the king walks into the dodgy bar to engage Puss's services? That's what the closing scene looked like. All you needed was Captain Hook playing Tom Waits karaoke on a broken piano to make it real.

Big Brother: Grumpy Old Men

Oh my God, this is turning out to be the biggest car crash ever, and of course is therefore completely irresistible. The biggest story of the first week was Jodie Marsh vs the Triumvirate of Evil. The fact that those bitter old bastards actually made me feel sorry for humourless thin-skinned freakface Jodie is surely a testament to their utter hatefulness.

Barrymore in particular turned into a hectoring psychopath who felt outraged and disrespected when Jodie wouldn’t follow his advice – well, actually I would not wish to accept advice from someone who lied to his wife re gayness for 18 years, was in rehab 8 times, held a party where some bloke was suspiciously bummed to death and is now a mumbling, slurring, emotional wreck. In a similar vein I do not often accept advice from the mad shouty scary man on the number 29 bus. Funny that. Even worse, Barrymore’s method of arguing was to shout at someone and then shout that they were being unreasonable and weren’t listening when they dared answer back.

That unctuous tosspot Galloway set himself up as Barrymore’s snivelling sidekick and said hilarious things like “There is a 55 year old man who is crying the garden because of you!” and blamed Jodie for thwarting Barrymore’s triumphant come back. What a delusionoid.

My second favourite event was George Galloway’s creepy sex cat game with Rula Lenska – I spent the whole episode watching between cracks in my fingers and howling with laughter/physical pain. Galloway will surely never live this down so at least some good will come of the fact that I am traumatised for life by those images.

Pete Burns is some sort of Bizzaro World version of Jodie Marsh and it is funny that most of the comments he made about her applied equally to himself. Currently going mental due to lack of cigarettes. Good.

The other housemates have rather faded into the background: Rodman is still a Neanderthal sex pest. Traci is still unnaturally perky and easy going. Maggot turns out to be completely dull without his posse of simpering halfwit bandmates. Preston and Chantelle are being a bit flirty. Chantelle seems nice but v thick and Preston’s band name is sounding incredibly apt. Faria is either boring or whiny and Rula is mumsy and strangely unreadable. Who knows who will go next, but the Triumvirate has already started bitching about “the Americans”…

NOMINATIONS: Classic Quotes

Anthony on Makosi: "She says she was an elephant, right? Well how come she's got such a shite memory?"

Derek on Sam: "She is an ASSASSIN"

Derek on Saskia: "It is wrong to substitute boobs for thought"

Makosi escapes the public vote this week by a whisker. Unfortunately so do Sam the Slapper and Roberto, as they all got exactly the same number of votes. Makosi chose Mystic Mary and Common Craig to face the public vote - and boy, did she take her time about it.


Not that I want to influence your voting or anything, but if Mystic Mary wasn't in there, she'd need care in the community. Vote Craig!

Big Brothel 6

I find it really heartening to hear that there are people in this world
that are passionate about things that are really important, like Robin's
other half and the French verdict on Europe, which amounted to a big
"pah!" as far as I could tell. I, on the other hand, am much more
concerned with finding great depths in murky shallows, and BB6 is
providing both in abundance.

Makosi finally got a handle on what she was supposed to do, and hack
everyone off. Once she got the hang of it she did it in impressive
style, and is possibly subverting BB's original intention of being
unlucky by getting the public to sympathise with her and even like her
while annoying her fellow inmates. Or was that their twisted plan all
along, bwa haa haa. Will she carry on acting the prima donna once the
shackles are off though? BB possibly overdid it when everybody got their
suitcases back but Makosi was given the wrong key. After an hour of
tears and pleading they gave her a bunch of about 200 keys and said
"take your time, shweetheart". At this point I thought it would be a
good idea to get Mystic Mary on the case and use her special all-seeing
enormous eyes and powers of divination to pick out the right key. In
fact I think someone did ask her but she made some excuse like "my
powers are weak today, and I don't do keys".

I salute BB's idea of "unlucky 13th housemate" as it is a worthy attempt
to prevent the most-nominated (and therefore the most interesting)
person being given the heave-ho too early. Talking of ho's, how come
Channel4 feel no guilt about having instructed their minions with "bring me
your candidates with the mightiest boobies"? I'm surprised they didn't
send for the Triple-Breasted Whores of Babylon but instead had to make
do with rack upon rack of mighty racks. Maxwell's head is dizzy with
pain from being over-ladded. If he stays in any length of time he's
going to develop a serious neck problem. I fluctuate with liking and
loathing of Maxwell, he's the most irritating of lads but then does his
penitent puppy look and everyone goes "ahhh" and then he's back to "get
yer tits out fer the lads" in virtually the same move. Probably yet
another example of sensitive caring person hiding it all away in the
comfort zone of being a Laddite. But can anyone be bothered to scratch
the surface? Claw the surface more like.

Robin reckoned she saw Derek speaking in rhyme, and yes I saw that bit
too. I wondered at the time if that was just him idly entertaining
himself while everybody slept, or if it was a well-rehearsed piece of
ad-lib trying to nab the role of lovable eccentric. Judging by the lack
of rhyming or meter in his rap (yes they were all asked to do a
mini-task rap - particularly enjoyed deadpan BB voice giving out "nuff
respect" etc) I would say he doesn't possess much in the way of a
natural facility with rhyming couplets, so I'm inclined to suspect he
has a series of rehearsed speeches logged to memory to be whipped out
when appropriate.

I had Kemal down as the winner as this just from his audition tape, and
he hasn't disappointed. Camper than Charles Hawtrey dancing on fairy
cakes, with beguiling eyes and (reasonably) quick wit he's got this sewn
up in a sequinned Gucci purse (if they do such things - if not they may
have to start). I was a bit alarmed when he first entered the house and
said "is this the house?", then entered the bedroom with 11 beds and
said "is this the bedroom?", but will put this down to nerves as he
since shown considerably stronger powers of awareness. He and Derek
worked out Makosi's task and are enjoying being part of the wind-up,
this kind of analysis is well beyong the rest of the bunch.

My PSH, Craig, is proving to be conspicuous only by his anonymity.
Little to say other than to swear a lot, I predict he will last longer
than he should because he will be told to make like the two Julies in
Bad Girls and do my hair, bitch. Also, although he offends the general
public (well, me anyway) he doesn't seem to be offending the housemates,
although of course he has a capital "L" imprinted on his forehead so
tactically it suits everybody that he stays as long as possible.

Roberto - did he really lie down and gesture at his face and body and
say to the group "this is a gift - a gift"? I hope he donates his vanity
to science - no not that Science. The Ali G of BB6 will not be long for
this programme, I can't help wondering if he has a brother called Social
Science. Not only is he from the hood, but he can analyse the social
conditions that got him there.

BIG BROTHER
I take it back about Makosi. She's playing them like puppets and muttering "dance monkeys! dance!!" under her breath. Only Kemal and Derek have worked out that she's up to something, and they're gleefully joining in the wind-up.

Vanessa hasn't done anything of note. Other than nervously agree with Craig, who keeps moaning quietly about the others. The Hair Bare Bunch (Lesleh, Saskia and Mystic Mary) seem to be doing lots of bitching about each others' breasts. Sam seems to be concentrating on diverting male attention away from Lesleh's breasts. This is a full-time job, it seems.

Comment of the night from Sam in response to Saskia moaning that she only gets offered "glamour" work: "You're not even all that glamour, really..."

BIG BROTHER 6
Yes, it really is that time of year again, and no, I'm not sure what happened to the first half of 2005 either. This year the bedroom is exposed to the rest of the house, there's a plunge pool instead of a jacuzzi, there's a chillout attic, and the showers are outside. There's even a naughty step.

We're going to be dipping in and out of BB over the summer, offering our considered opinions of the housemates, the decor, the antics, laced with plenty of good old-fashioned bitching. I can tell you now that we will secretly like the boring Dad-like one, loathe/love/loathe again the drama queens, be bored by the glamour girls, and detest the lads.

We've each adopted a housemate based on the order in which they entered the house, and we'll be sticking to this housemate like a piece of trodden-on chewing gum until they get evicted. Then we'll leave them to their future of Essex nightclub PAs and cable TV presenting jobs, and adopt someone else.

Mark has chosen number 2...
Sarah has chosen number 5...
FilmFan has chosen number 11 and is regretting it already...
Mr P has chosen number 9...

1. Derek the Tory Boy
Sarah: According to our moles in the Conservative Party, Derek is a bit of a one: city high flyer, speech writer and Master of the Hounds. He would have been a parliamentary candidate save for the drink driving conviction - and the fact that Michael Portillo has the only constituency where a black homosexual would have stood a chance. He also appears to share Chris Eubank's tailor.

He's on the live feed now, moaning about the girls' lack of housecleaning skills: "Dirty dirty girls!"

Mark: Very very queeny. Prances round the house squealing "Isn't it posh! Isn't it swish!" Yes, and the BB house isn't bad either! Rimshot, etc.

2. Lesley - Mark's adoptee...
Mark:According to BB editting, Lesleh is a huge pair of tits with a person periphirally involved. Thanks yes Mr Cameraman, there are other parts of her body you could aim at too! bog standard female contestant (likes fun, speaks her mind, etc) who fulfills expectations by giving hacky looks to all other female contestants when they enter the house. Lesleh has comedy pencilled-in eyebrows and will totally rule the house with her northern-style bitchery. Go Lesleh!


Sarah: Ooooh...Mark, don't fancy yours much. I would say "Readers' Wives", but "Readers' Psycho Ex on Trisha". Think everybody that Caroline Aherne has ever played, in a PVC nurse's outfit and no knickers. TV Gold!

FilmFan: I don't fancy yours much either. I don't think she'll last long. I did enjoy her adamant belief that Saskia's tits were fake though. Also, it has to be said, she looks a lot better without her hair done up like that.

3. Sam the student
Sarah: : Sam says she is a total hornbag (©Kath & Kim). But she wears orange nylon hotpants with tights so she probably has the most terrible thrush. Has a marketing degree from Oxford...does Oxford do joke subjects now?

FilmFan: I haven't seen enough of Sam so far. The tabs have her down as a man-stealing be-atch, so she could be fun. (Love the Kath and Kim reference - glad I'm not the only fan). Sam's probably the most fanciable of the female housemates. I think she fancies Anthony too, which could be interesting as Max has already indicated he fancies Sam.

Mark: Oxford Poly actually! Sam can apparently reduce vibrators to molten slag with the sheer force of her sexuality. Says in her interview tape that she is highly intelligent and then goes on to disprove it over the next 5 minutes.

4. Maxwell the geezer
Sarah: : Well, he's a geezer and a Gooner, and he doesn't like bullshitters or something like that. He also knocked politely at the door before opening it. And he's got surprisingly gentle eyes. Think this one is probably a nicely-brought-up boy who likes young ladies and loves his mum. Oh OK, I like him, despite the Gooner thing.

FilmFan: Bit of a cock so far, but it's early days. I hated Bubble at first but he really grew on me. Maxwell is a bit of a Bubble Mark II, I reckon. Also, I think we should continue to call him Maxwell, just because it'll piss him off. Probably.

Mark: Mate, what is going on with your hair? Sort it out! Reminds me of the type of bloke I always end up standing next to in pubs in holloway when I watch Arsenal matches. Next!

5. Vanessa - Sarah's adoptee...
Sarah: Can you believe it? I missed Vanessa's entry. But apparently she's nothing like last year's Vanessa, and she's from Croydon. Us Croydon girls have to stick together so Go Girlie Go!
FilmFan: Very irritating video but she actually seems alright so far. Bit thick, maybe.

Mark: Her catchphrases are "Whatever!" and "am I bothered!" Comes out with standard spiel in her interview tape (enjoys fun, speaks her mind etc etc) but seems quite nice.

6. Anthony - Disco Stu
Sarah: He's teeeeeny! And very good-looking in that vacuous male modelly mini Steve Jones way. A stranger to housework, and a bit of a tosser who still lives with his mum. He spent so long milking the crowd, they turned nasty and started booing him.

FilmFan: I went right off him during the intro but I liked his slightly crestfallen face in his video when he was talking about how his standards dropped dramatically when he was drunk.

Mark: Looks like an orange chipmunk, with facial hair and eyebrows drawn on with black marker pen. Still the best looking male candidate and who can truly hate someone who keeps doing "the snake" at any opportunity?

7. Roberto
Sarah: Oooh, my mum would like him. Ex-para, ex-9th Handsomest Man in Italy. Now teaching in Liverpool. Davina says he drives a white van. Mr P says he only has eyes for himself.
FilmFan: Roberto is my pre-selected housemate (or PSH) elsewhere and he's growing on me by the minute. He's wisely hanging back at the moment.

Mark: Falls somewhere between "Handsome" and "Horse faced" and has comedy scouse/italian accent. Will probably be Dean-from-BB2 type inoffensive bloke that no-one likes or dislikes.

8. Makosi
Sarah: Roberta Flack hair, very pretty Zimbabwean princess. She aspires to be Whitney Houston - what, a skeletal crack addict married to a wife beater? Not very bright. I give her two weeks.

FilmFan: Loving her Cleopatra Jones look. Stunning but incredibly irritating. At the moment we have no way of knowing whether she's genuinely that irritating or just doing a really good job of her Secret Mission. I like the way BB keep undermining her attempts to be hated by making everyone feel sorry for her.

Mark: Wins top marks for glamour and outfits so far. Was either really pissed on the first night or else is too thick to know the difference between "votes" and "nominations". Either way, I hope she isn't my nurse if ever I end up on her cardiac ward.

9. Craig...Mr P's adoptee
Mr P: Foul-mouthed male Vicki Pollard. Suspecting a virgin hoping to break his duck. Has never read a book.

Sarah: Mullet.

FilmFan: From what we've seen so far I don't think he's as bad as his intro video made out. Reserving judgment though.

Mark: whey-faced mulletted dwarf who instantly wins "most irritating housemate" award. Says he can destroy people with a single phrase and that he wants to put his salon's views out to the world. Is this a literary salon? A philosophers salon? Oh. It's a hairdressing salon. Also starts ranting on about how he hates boring people with their boring jobs. Mate, your working day consists of asking people where they are going on holiday and wrapping bits of silver paper round their hair, so why don't you shut up, bitch?

10. Mystic Mary
Sarah: Oh dear, she looks a bit like Demi Moore and she reads auras. Also claims to be a multiple alien abductee. Weird entrance with the witch's cloak and broomstick. Spent aaages outside the door, waiting for it to open with a swoosh, no doubt. Maybe she had a flashback to the spaceship or whatever. Crowd hated her instantly. I wasn't far behind.

FilmFan: She does look like Demi Moore! I hated her video and her entrance but have warmed to her since. She seems much more normal in the house. I also think it was quite telling that she struck a series of sexy poses for the press once the cloak came off.

Mark: Has mad staring eyes and a number of incorrect beliefs re Atlantis and UFO abduction etc etc. Her "Maid Marion" style suede outfit made me laugh a lot. Rhiannon flies like a bird on the wind, who will be her lover? oooo Rhiannon, etc.

11. Science...FilmFan's adoptee
FilmFan: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Loved his entrance video but have rapidly gone off him ever since...well, ever since he opened his mouth in the house. He's come off worse in all the fights he's had so far and his snit over the loss of his beloved salad cream will have done him no favours. He has had the best BB line so far though: ""I am from the hood, YES. I live with my mum, YES."

Sarah: A "ghetto spokesman" as long as his people don't do drugs. That's half Peckham off his list then.

Mark: Wannabe rapper who is probably a nice young man really.

12. Saskia
Sarah: Works as one of those girls in short t-shirts handing out leaflets at IT conferences. Not racist at all 'cos she's a quarter Sri Lankan, but hates asylum seekers because they're...I dunno...not nice or something. Stopped listening and marvelled at her ability to stay upright with norks that big.

FilmFan: It is, as you say, a miracle she doesn't fall over. Shame she's a racist.

Mark: What my dad would call a "dolly bird". She would be considered good-looking in the '70s maybe and could have been chased round in double time by Benny Hill. Apparently "immigrants all want to blow us up". Boooo!

13. Kemal
Sarah: Turkish trannie belly dancer. Wore a wedding sari for his entrance and yelled "Hi Divas!" to all and sundry. Mr P says he's the winner.

FilmFan: He's Marco (who I loathed with a passion) only with a brain and volume control. I think he could win it too.

Mark: He reminds me of a gay Iranian lad I used to know so I have a soft spot for him, though I suspect his habit of dropping "diva" or "girlfriend" into every sentence could become very irritating.

BB's first task was to tell Makosi that she was automatically up for eviction unless she can get the most nominations next week, and then she'll be immune from eviction...twisted...