It’s past the half way mark and now all the celebs are going to do different dances. Exciting!
Tess is wearing a long pink dress with a lumpy bodice that makes her look she’s storing her groceries down her front. When she comes down the steps, she pulls the sides of the skirt out like Batman about to swoop down on a miscreant!
KELLY
Kelly is doing the jive in a short, sparkly pink number, which is accessorised by Brendan’s uber-gay pink sparkly shoes. She seems to be really enjoying training and has a comedy jive face (ie slack jawed/smiling), which she tries to control. The dance is very good, very fast and snappy and Kelly seems to be hugely enjoying it. 9’s across the board!
LETITIA
Letitia cried last week when the judges said mean things about her latin dance. Boo! Bad judges! This week she is doing the foxtrot in a flattering red dress with a v neck. She looks a bit stiff and frozen to me but the judges like it and say she was as good as Kelly in her way – also her shoulders are finally doing what they are supposed to do. She gets 2 8s and 2 9s. Really? It didn’t look 9-worthy to me.
KENNY
Blockhead Kenny is doing the cha cha cha this week and is also baring his arms again. Him and Ola go up to Scotland during the week to shore up the vote and Ola wears two bits of tinsel for the dance, also to shore up the vote. Oh dear. They dance to a Jacko song and, as usual, Kenny just sort of walks around and grins while Ola dances for two. He tries to moon walk and waves his arms around a bit but it is v poor. The judges are not complimentary (Bruno says that at least the humping was in time, heh) but Len gives him a 7 anyway??? What? Are you on crack, Len?
JOHN
John is doing the tango and is so nervous about his posture and determined to keep a straight face that he fails to do any performing at all. It is not so good and he gets fairly poor marks. I am quite bored by the whole thing and spend the whole time trying to work out what it is about Nicole that annoys me so much.
SARAH: For me it's Nicole's wig-like hair and wizened, half-starved face.
GETHIN
Poor Gethin is doing a rumba. Yuk. In order to try and feel romantic, he goes on a crypto-date with Camilla and ends up dancing on a floating restaurant. The rumba is OK, with Gethin standing and gyrating slowly while Camilla flaps around having a fit of the vapours. It’s as good as any other one I’ve seen, I suppose. All the judges say that he wasn’t romantic enough and that Camilla was doing all the emoting. He gets a 7 and three 8s though, and is pretty pleased with it.
KATE
Kate is doing the paso doble in a hideous outfit made of orange net ruffles. Lots of hilarious footage of Anton trying to swing her round like a cape and Kate rolling round like a sack of potatoes. At some point in rehearsals she pulls a muscle in her upper back though – ouch, I did that recently and it was a bastard – and they have to change the whole routine. I start wondering what other injuries Kate will have to get before she gives up. Hmmm, the dance is not too terrible and Kate has a fair crack at looking like a fierce senorita, but all the bits where she spins round, Anton catches her and props her up again are terrible and jerky. The judges are sympathetic about her sore back and again, she gets an inexplicable 7 from Len.
MATT
Matt was all OMG WTF??? last week after having to do the dance off. This week he is doing a quickstep and is determined to do better. Flavia looks disturbingly like a teenage boy in some of the training footage. Their dance is very fast and complicated with lots of skipping around in different holds and separately. Matt does very well to keep up with it all, though he does stumble at one point. Arlene says she loves him again now and everyone says he did well but shame about the trip. He gets pretty good marks, including an 8 from Len – that’s right, he gets one point higher than Kenny, who can barely walk in time to music. Sigh.
ALESHA
Alesha’s comedy nans appear in the VT, running round trying to get everyone to vote for her. She does a waltz in a glittery white and silver dress with lots of floaty bits stuck to her arms. Buh-buh- the music is that Simon Bates "Our Tune" theme. Mr P and I started intoning: "There was a lovely young lady...Let's call her Ally...she's a singer in a band...and there was a guy - as there always is - called Harry...Harry also sang in a band...and did musicals..."
It is v v good and the judges all go into raptures. Craig says he even felt a stirring of emotion in his cold dead heart for once! She gets 9s from Craig and Len and 10s from Arlene and Bruno – the best mark in the series to date. Of course she goes mental in the Tess-eract when the marks come in. Alesha to win!!!
THE RESULTS SHOW
Lots of recap and filler and then the professional dancers do a group foxtrot. Tess is now wearing a black and silver dress with a big bow on it, that is much better fitted round her boobs, but it could have lost the bow and looked much better. In other news, that gimp from the Joseph show does a Stones song while Camilla and Nicole have a sort of stylised catfight through the medium of Spanish dance. Okkkayyyy.
After that, the latin number one couple in the whole wild world ever come on and do a dance that starts off as a rumba then turns into a salsa (or something). Also, during the course of the whole thing, the lady’s outfit starts off as a dress, then turns into a leotard and then into a dress again! Freaky! When professional dancers are this good, it is so stylised and uber performed that it stops being like dancing and turns into weird alien spazzing out, IMO (see also, the frenetic insectile jerking of the pro jive last week).
The results! Dun dun dunhhh! All the good people get through, pretty much in order of fabness, leaving John, Kenny and Kate at the end – looks like one of the dance dunces will finally be going this week. Kenny gets through – thanks a lot, Scotland! - so, buh bye Kate. They dance off and Kate is a lot better this time round – she still goes, of course, and gives a nice speech about how she appreciated everyone voting for her and hopes she has shown that anyone can enjoy dancing, even if they are totally rubbish. She came across really well on the show, I thought. Cheers Kate!!
Next week: Mark will be in the studio audience, gasp!!!!!
