OMG OMG !!11!!eleven!!!

This week, I am actually in the studio audience for the live show, thanks to my boyfriend E, who works at the BBC (he used to work in the stewards/ticketing department and still has friends in the office he can contact for help). As well as me and E, we are accompanied by our friend D and her mum T, who is visiting for her 60th birthday.

We have to get there hella early – 3.30 – to get our tickets validated and hand in our bags/coats etc. Audience members are then held in a foyer area that is a bit like an airport (bar, shop, caff, not enough seats). We started to be seated at about 5 and had to queue for ages while everyone was slowly shuffled into the studio - while we were waiting, we saw Gloria Hunniford (who is TINY!!!) arrive in a black Rolls, and also queued next to the celeb audience/friends and relatives – including such stars as Quentin Whatsisname off Top Gear! Gok Wan! Parkwife off EE (who appeared to have come dressed as her character!) and the Fonz!! Brendan walks past and everyone goes “Wooo!” (apart from me and E, who go “wanka!!!”)

We are at the back of the queue, but one of E’s friends is working on the floor and saves us four seats at the front! We are right next to the celeb seating area, but in a dark corner and have cameramen running in front of us the whole evening, but we have a little monitor screen so we don’t miss too much.

Gabby Logan turns up! She is much prettier IRL. Also Kate Garraway, wearing a weird grey dress, and a cute athletics bloke, whose name I have forgotten (Darren Chambers poss?)

A warm up guy talks drivel and then we all stand up and clap for Brucie! Even though it is only 5.45! I always make fun of his ropey presenting, but he did a really good job warming up the crowd – he gets a lady up out of the audience and dances with her, sings a song, thanks everyone for coming and tells everyone his secret signal if he desperately needs a laugh. Whenever he got the chance he would run out and chat to everyone – he really made an extra effort to keep the audience happy.

The judges arrive and they record the Sugababes section for the Sunday show. Darren and Lilia do a rumba type thing that is very good. They are both teeny tiny IRL! It is interesting to see them dance live as you can watch whatever you want, not just what the camera is pointing at. Lilia’s dress gets tangled up in her heels at one point and she also misses her footing after a lift, but of course can cover for it with ease. The retarded dancing facial expressions work a lot better IRL too, as at one point Lilia appears to smiling adoringly at us!! Wooo! They have to record the whole thing again before they are happy with it, then Tess comes on and tells the Babes their new record has gone platinum and gives them the disc.

The floor manager bloke coaches us on how to be an audience – we are ORDERED to boo and cheer at the judges scores!

ZOMG it is time for the live show! We all start clapping along to the music and Brucie and Tess reappear. The live show is quite easy to sit through (as opposed to some recordings, which are really boring and repetitive), as whenever the dancers go to Tess’ room, or when they show them training, we can basically chat amongst our selves and relax. We are highly tempted to run on stage during one of the dances and start getting on down – it’s a live show and they couldn’t do anything about it. Bwa ha ha!

We don’t, of course.

THE DANCES!! I will let Sarah describe the dances, as I was totally distracted by all the cameramen running around and getting in the way. I enjoyed all of them though (even the rub ones), but especially Matt & Flavia, who were super fast and skill - Matt was even making little GRRR! faces like a proper dancer! Bless! – and Alesha & Matthew. Alesha looked fantastic and just seems infectiously happy when she is dancing – I wanted them both to do their dances again when they had finished.

SARAH: Well, Gethin and Camilla were good. John kept looking at his feet. Letitia was wearing a brown thing, and did rather well. I nearly welled up myself when Arlene gave her a mumsy lecture about being a beautiful woman and a good dancer with lots of potential. Brendan and Kelly did lots of posing and very little actual proper dancing. Why does Brendan think he's some kind of avant garde choreographer when the evidence is so...pedestrian? It's like watching a hen night in Ballymena. One of my favourite bits is him trying to take on Arlene - the woman who picked up Light Ent dancing by the scruff of the neck, stuck it in a leather gimp suit and made it writhe all over a panting Kenny Everett - and suggest she didn't know what good dancing was.

Where was I? Oh yes, Alesha was grate. So was Beano. And Kenny did lots of strongman lifting and walking about with great good humour. All he needed was a cow pie.

Back to Mark...

We then have a 90 minute break until the recording of the results show, and rush off to grab a seat and some wine in the foyer. While we are sitting chatting, a BBC bod comes over and asks me and E to record some vox pop sections for It takes Two, as they need “two lads” – (which I believe is code for GAYS!!!) We agree, possibly because we have already drunk a fair amount of wine, and go and stand in a corridor. We say who we liked (Matt and Alesha!!!) and who we think might go (Kelly or John???) and promise to hang around at the end to be interviewed again. We sit down again and then someone else comes over and asks us to do another vox pop, for the website this time. It is pretty much the same kind of thing but then they ask who we would be if we could be anyone on SCD – I say I would be Camilla so I could dance with Gethin (ahem) and E v lamely says he wants to be Bruno so he can give everyone 10 points for their dances. They ask him to do a Bruno impression and he tells them to fuck off. I don’t think that bit will make the website, somehow. Then they make us do the Tess/Bruce “keeeep dancing!!!” thing and we have to do it 3 times before the camera man is happy. By the time we are finished, everyone in that corner of the foyer is laughing at us. Oh well.

Back for the results show. This is even shorter as all the recap stuff is on VT and doesn’t require the audience. Bruce asks the judges for their thoughts and then has to do it all over again as Len makes an incomprehensible joke about Sainsburys, which can’t be broadcast as it is a brand name. Some Charleston bods come on and dance a bit and then Anton and Erin join them and do a high speed quickstep that is breathtaking to watch, with the pair of them coming this close to crashing into all the lights by the side of the dance floor as they shoot past us.

Next it is the much hyped group Dirty Dancing tribute group dance. I like the bit on the VT where they show Gethin and Matt feeling each other up. It is fun to watch but I was all like, “Aaargh! Too many people! Who do I look at!” There was a brief possibility that they would have to do the dance all over again, but sadly it was not to be.

Finally it is results time. As the pairs come and stand on their marks, there is much good luck wishing, kissing and hugging etc. All the people with good marks get through! Kenny gets through. Sigh. It is down to Letitia, Barnesy and Kelly. I think John will leave vs either of the two women, and yes – it is him vs Kelly!! Kelly totally messes up the choreography in the dance off (just standing and jiggling for one bit when she is supposed to be travolta-ing) but still beats John – oh well, I think he had gone as far as he was going to in terms of skillz.

That’s the end finally and we go back to the foyer to talk more bollocks to camera folk about how we are not at all shocked John has gone. E accuses me of being a camera hog this time! Then E takes us up to the TV Centre Bar as he has heard that all the celebs and dancers go up there after the shoot every week. The bar is pretty rammed and we see Parkwife and Matt di Angelo straight away! Pretty soon there are loads of famous people there – deep breath: Flavia, Vincent, Erin, Lilia, Anton, Darren, Ola, James, Matthew, Nicole, Brendan, Craig, Tess, Vernon Kaye, Gabby, Kenny, Kate, Kelly, Alesha, Barnesy, The Fonz, Quentin off Top Gear! (We are v sad that there is no sign of Gethin, Letitia or Bruno)

Anton is chatting to someone nearby so we ask him to say hello to T, as it is her birthday soon and she lurves him! Anton (who is what I would call a “smoothie”) gives her a birthday kiss and poses with her for a nice picture. Wooo! Me and E go over and gush to Alesha about how much we love her. She is really nice, asks us our names, thanks us for our support and talks about how Matt being so good really fired her up. We also get pictures with her and she gives T a birthday kiss too. E and T chat to Kate and say they miss her dancing (which is true, tee hee) and get another picture. Everyone was really friendly and approachable, but we didn’t bother anyone else and just kept to ourselves until chucking out time.

Random observations:

• Kelly and Brendan barely spoke in the bar, but the rest of the celebs seemed v friendly with their dancers.
  
• Brendan had two girls sleazing over him and licking his face all evening. Vom.
  
• Vernon Kaye looks about 15 yrs old in real life.
  
• James seems nice and smiled at me for no reason (??).
  
• Craig was sitting with a handsome young gentleman all night.
  
• We tried to remember the Fonz’s catchphrase – the nearest we got was “fandabbydozie”! – and were too chicken to go and talk to him.
  
• Alesha’s relaxing evening dress looked like a dance costume – v short and sparkly!

So yes, it was a great day out. Special thanks go out to Anton, Alesha and Kate for not ordering us to be tasered by burly security guards.

STRICTLY: WHAT KATIE DID

It’s past the half way mark and now all the celebs are going to do different dances. Exciting!

Tess is wearing a long pink dress with a lumpy bodice that makes her look she’s storing her groceries down her front. When she comes down the steps, she pulls the sides of the skirt out like Batman about to swoop down on a miscreant!

KELLY

Kelly is doing the jive in a short, sparkly pink number, which is accessorised by Brendan’s uber-gay pink sparkly shoes. She seems to be really enjoying training and has a comedy jive face (ie slack jawed/smiling), which she tries to control. The dance is very good, very fast and snappy and Kelly seems to be hugely enjoying it. 9’s across the board!

LETITIA

Letitia cried last week when the judges said mean things about her latin dance. Boo! Bad judges! This week she is doing the foxtrot in a flattering red dress with a v neck. She looks a bit stiff and frozen to me but the judges like it and say she was as good as Kelly in her way – also her shoulders are finally doing what they are supposed to do. She gets 2 8s and 2 9s. Really? It didn’t look 9-worthy to me.

KENNY

Blockhead Kenny is doing the cha cha cha this week and is also baring his arms again. Him and Ola go up to Scotland during the week to shore up the vote and Ola wears two bits of tinsel for the dance, also to shore up the vote. Oh dear. They dance to a Jacko song and, as usual, Kenny just sort of walks around and grins while Ola dances for two. He tries to moon walk and waves his arms around a bit but it is v poor. The judges are not complimentary (Bruno says that at least the humping was in time, heh) but Len gives him a 7 anyway??? What? Are you on crack, Len?

JOHN

John is doing the tango and is so nervous about his posture and determined to keep a straight face that he fails to do any performing at all. It is not so good and he gets fairly poor marks. I am quite bored by the whole thing and spend the whole time trying to work out what it is about Nicole that annoys me so much.

SARAH: For me it's Nicole's wig-like hair and wizened, half-starved face.

GETHIN

Poor Gethin is doing a rumba. Yuk. In order to try and feel romantic, he goes on a crypto-date with Camilla and ends up dancing on a floating restaurant. The rumba is OK, with Gethin standing and gyrating slowly while Camilla flaps around having a fit of the vapours. It’s as good as any other one I’ve seen, I suppose. All the judges say that he wasn’t romantic enough and that Camilla was doing all the emoting. He gets a 7 and three 8s though, and is pretty pleased with it.

KATE

Kate is doing the paso doble in a hideous outfit made of orange net ruffles. Lots of hilarious footage of Anton trying to swing her round like a cape and Kate rolling round like a sack of potatoes. At some point in rehearsals she pulls a muscle in her upper back though – ouch, I did that recently and it was a bastard – and they have to change the whole routine. I start wondering what other injuries Kate will have to get before she gives up. Hmmm, the dance is not too terrible and Kate has a fair crack at looking like a fierce senorita, but all the bits where she spins round, Anton catches her and props her up again are terrible and jerky. The judges are sympathetic about her sore back and again, she gets an inexplicable 7 from Len.

MATT

Matt was all OMG WTF??? last week after having to do the dance off. This week he is doing a quickstep and is determined to do better. Flavia looks disturbingly like a teenage boy in some of the training footage. Their dance is very fast and complicated with lots of skipping around in different holds and separately. Matt does very well to keep up with it all, though he does stumble at one point. Arlene says she loves him again now and everyone says he did well but shame about the trip. He gets pretty good marks, including an 8 from Len – that’s right, he gets one point higher than Kenny, who can barely walk in time to music. Sigh.

ALESHA

Alesha’s comedy nans appear in the VT, running round trying to get everyone to vote for her. She does a waltz in a glittery white and silver dress with lots of floaty bits stuck to her arms. Buh-buh- the music is that Simon Bates "Our Tune" theme. Mr P and I started intoning: "There was a lovely young lady...Let's call her Ally...she's a singer in a band...and there was a guy - as there always is - called Harry...Harry also sang in a band...and did musicals..."

It is v v good and the judges all go into raptures. Craig says he even felt a stirring of emotion in his cold dead heart for once! She gets 9s from Craig and Len and 10s from Arlene and Bruno – the best mark in the series to date. Of course she goes mental in the Tess-eract when the marks come in. Alesha to win!!!

THE RESULTS SHOW

Lots of recap and filler and then the professional dancers do a group foxtrot. Tess is now wearing a black and silver dress with a big bow on it, that is much better fitted round her boobs, but it could have lost the bow and looked much better. In other news, that gimp from the Joseph show does a Stones song while Camilla and Nicole have a sort of stylised catfight through the medium of Spanish dance. Okkkayyyy.

After that, the latin number one couple in the whole wild world ever come on and do a dance that starts off as a rumba then turns into a salsa (or something). Also, during the course of the whole thing, the lady’s outfit starts off as a dress, then turns into a leotard and then into a dress again! Freaky! When professional dancers are this good, it is so stylised and uber performed that it stops being like dancing and turns into weird alien spazzing out, IMO (see also, the frenetic insectile jerking of the pro jive last week).

The results! Dun dun dunhhh! All the good people get through, pretty much in order of fabness, leaving John, Kenny and Kate at the end – looks like one of the dance dunces will finally be going this week. Kenny gets through – thanks a lot, Scotland! - so, buh bye Kate. They dance off and Kate is a lot better this time round – she still goes, of course, and gives a nice speech about how she appreciated everyone voting for her and hopes she has shown that anyone can enjoy dancing, even if they are totally rubbish. She came across really well on the show, I thought. Cheers Kate!!

Next week: Mark will be in the studio audience, gasp!!!!!

STRICTLY COME DANCING: TECHNICAL FAULT

I was on a family break (Center Parcs) this weekend, and my mum wouldn't let me watch it. And Mark's video packed in (get with the 20th century technology...)

I saw a bit of the Sunday show, so saw poor Penny go. Well, she was a bit of a clogger, but a lovely woman nonetheless, and still not as bad as Kenny. I expect Len will be raging at the Great British Public's iniquitous voting patterns from his LA cab...

The Sunday show featured the pros jive dancing in green shirts - Wolverine went totally Aussie and tore the sleeves off his. Ack. The women wore green and white pompoms and the Strictly version of the jive is just...weird. I can't stand it. Then we saw the celebs all dressed up in 1940s uniforms and dresses for a Remembrance Day Jitterbug special that they all seemed to get into, except for Kenny, who tried to climb out of the rehearsal room window. They all did really well - even Kate, and the band enjoyed playing proper dance music for a bit.

Going out with proper Strictly fans next weekend, so normal service will be resumed on 18 November

Can I squeeze your melons?

Last night Susannah out of Trinnyandsusannah got her dream come true with a whole show where she got to feel baps in the guise of fitting out the nation's tits in better fitting bras. She even got to feel Trinny's fake ones.

I don't really like T&S make-overs. Yes, they look better than at the start but they also seem to have had their personalities stripped out of their style and converted into identikit figures wearing exactly the same sort of style, even if in different shapes. It's like Lego minifigs with extra make-up.

But, this is one of the things about long-running lifestyle/reality/etc type programmes. The formula makes for a great little game.

So, the Trinny and Susannah bingo card.

STRICTLY COME DANCING: DOM DE DOM GONE

I have given up being aghast at Brucie’s horrendous jokes and autocue disasters. He talks about all the shock scandal controversy re last week and then it’s on with the show.

This week the poor celebrities are doing the Pasa Doble (aka flamenco dancing with an angry bull) and the foxtrot (a sort of slow, elegant ballroom dance where they stop and lean over every now and again).

BOOBWATCH

Oh dear oh dear. Poor Tess has been bundled into a grey sheet-like Grecian style number that makes her chest look like badly stuffed upholstery. She is also wearing a strange grey bangle thing that looks like some sort of medical appliance. What’s that all about? I thought she'd sellotaped her script to her wrist. The red results show dress does her a few more favours, but I really think she should sack her stylist.

KELLY: Keith Harris look-a-like Brendan says that he won’t do any more naughty illegal lift shenanigans. Kelly says she will strike a blow for feminism by doing some cape twirling, plus OMG her cape is really pink and sparkly!!! Kelly’s hair and make up are lovely but she is wearing some sort of red and black basque type thing that makes her look like a Castillian hooker. Brendan is wearing a tight black shirt with see-through mesh panels. Vom. They dance to “You give love a bad name” (Why???) and it starts off with Kelly flapping her cape. Then Brendan slides over to her on his knees and starts making fierce faces and waving his arms around. Oh whatever. It’s not bad but all a bit 80s video-esque for my liking. The Sladey house thought it would go down well in Bromley.

The judges aren’t that bothered and say that there was not enough Paso content and that Kelly wasted too much time with her sparkle motion cape action. Kelly retorts that she did lots of research into matadors and wanted to show that wimmin too could participate in the slow and agonising ritual slaughter of a large mammal. As long as their capes were pink and sparkly. Arlene also says that Kelly’s short outfit made all her bad leg/foot movements much more apparent. They get mainly 7s – their worst mark yet, but Kelly says that she doesn’t care if no one liked it because she’s hott and will get lots of votes anyway (not really…)

ALESHA: Lovely Alesha has trouble learning the dance, so in a not-at-all-contrived interview segment, her two grans show up with a tea urn and some fairy cakes and make her and Matt dress up in 1940s clobber. Her grans seem lovely too, and tell her to stop messing around and get on with it. For her foxtrot, Alesha wears a gold and lime green gown that really suits her (though I’m not sure about the matching eye shadow and nails). Her hair is lovely too. The dance is very elegant and looks ace to me – she gets all 9’s, seems to be on the verge on tears and says she wants a cup of tea afterwards. Awwww.

LETITIA: Letitia feels better after getting decent marks last week. She does the Paso to “Live and let die” - I don’t generally like inappropriate type music but all the ”Duh duh duh!!!” bits work quite well. She wears a blue and black sparkly dress with a deep v neck and slit skirt, which really suits her for once, and it is all very flamenco-y and dramatic. She gets lots of praise from the judges and her best score yet. Yay! Go Letitia. I love it on this program when someone obviously improves and gets into it more and more each week.

GETHIN: Gethin is doing the foxtrot and looks quite suave in a tux. Camilla has her hair up in a severe bun and wears a horrendous dress with loads of skin coloured mesh and glittery straps over her top half. The dance is pretty good, but Gethin spoils it by doing a Robbie Williams type slap inducing wink at the end. He gets good marks (7 and 3 8’s) and the judges comment on his improvement. Arlene leers at him a bit too, but that goes without saying.

DOMINIC: There are amusing shots of Dom trying to flap his cape around in rehearsal and ending up wrapping it round his head. A stern Spanish lady comes and helps teach him how to be fierce and bullfighterly. He is wearing a comical black toreador outfit with red sparkly flower shapes. Lilia comes up with some good choreography as usual but Dominic is very stompy and comes across more like an angry gnome than a masterly toreador. He gets average marks and is told off for not dancing in tinme to the music. In Tess’ Chamber, he makes various sour remarks about how the judges never give him good marks. Maybe that’s because you’re RUBBISH, Dominic. PS. Also no one likes a bad loser.

Come Sunday, Dominic's little Ferengi face gets even crosser when he finds himself in the Dance of Doom.

JOHN: Various football legends like Alan Hansen and Daveeed Ginola (still lovely, even though he's fat and grey now - Sarah) come on to say how competitive John is, while John says he isn’t competitive at all, oh no. John’s cute son is also wheeled out again. He does a foxtrot and again it is rather dull. Sort out this choreography pls, Nicole! Also, isn’t it time for him to do a latin dance? Craig hates it and gives him a 4 (booo!) but the others say he was not bad. His overall marks aren’t great though.

KENNY: Oh, this should be a laugh. Kenny goes on about how he offered his place to Gabby last week, but wasn’t allowed to do so (I should think not, seeing as people paid money to keep him in). He says he doesn’t care any more and is just going to have a laugh. Ola meanwhile decides to try and get as many votes as possible by squeezing into an outfit that barely contains her bosoms.

OMG What is Kenny wearing? A sleeveless black top to show off his beefy arms, a black glittery kilt (with the cape initially wrapped round his waste like a sarong), knee length black socks (nice!!) and shoes with cuban heels. The intro to Take Me Out by fellow Scots Franz Ferdinand begins - oh we're really flying the flag here. He does some cape waving (that suggests “laundry day!” more than anything else) and then stomps around fiercely while Ola gyrates frantically.

He appears to be wearing matching sparkly-trimmed pants under the kilt, which must chafe somewhat, and the dance ends with him standing over Ola while she lies flat on her back going “My eyes! My eyes!!” Bruno is in hysterics when it is over, as are many of the viewers, I would think. He gets slightly better marks than last time but still comes bottom.

At this point, Ceej was screaming: "FIREWORKS! NOW!", so the Sladeys set off for Blackheath to watch fireworks and drink mulled wine at £3 a (very very small) glass.

KATE: Kate chats about Gabbygate and how she wants to prove that she really does deserve to be in the competition. There are scenes of Anton being stern in rehearsal. She is doing the foxtrot in a blue and pink dress that I quite like. OMG, what is this??? She actually seems to know what she’s doing! She doesn’t look like every move is coming as a surprise to her! Anton doesn’t have to keep catching her and holding her up! She is actually not bad! All the judges say how much she improved and that she actually looked like a dancer for the first time! Hurrah! She gets some good marks, including the odd 7!

MATT: Matt, Flavia and her awesome abs are doing a Paso. Matt is wearing a sparkly black jumper and trousers, so he looks a bit like a jewel thief or 1960s spy or something. They dance to Smooth Criminal, which isn’t a very good choice, IMO, and it is all a bit modern and non bullfightery. Matt looks like a proper dancer though and the tight black clothes suit him. I’m not sure if he falls over once when he is kneeling down or if that was supposed to happen. Craig likes the innovative choreography but Len doesn’t. Arlene makes a lame “Matt-ador” joke that Matt himself made in the rehearsal tapes. They all say it is the best of the generally poor Pasos and he gets good marks - mainly 8s.

PENNY: Penny says she wants to prove that she was worth keeping after the dance off last week. Her cute toddler comes to watch her rehearse. She is dancing the foxtrot in a turquoise frock and is pretty good at these types of dances for such a big lass (see her quickstep in the first week).

The judges all love it and she gets 3 9s and an 8.

I miss the results show completely but John and Dom are in the bottom two and John stays, as he has, ahem, natural rhythm and actually appears to be able to dance along to the music. Also they all want to see him salsa next week. Me too!

I saw the results show and watched Len almost say "natural rythmn" but stop himself. The Dancers demonstrate the Viennese Waltz - the super hard one where you spin around a lot in huge puffy skirts. Then the Birmingham Ballet came on to show us all that proper dancers can screw up ballroom just as easily as the average punter - only they do it in flat shoes and throw up more often.

This week's featured musical number is McFly - who I used to think were OK for one song. McFly do one of their old Children in Need tunes, and attempt a single stadium-style "Whoo!", which falls flatter than a very flat thing being run over by a heavy roller.

Mark's current favourites are Alesha, jointly followed by Penny and Matt. he has gone right off Kelly, is bored by Gethin and is warming to Letitia…

Sarah's current favourites are Alesha, followed by Penny and Letitia. I'm still annoyed that there is no decent totty of the Ramps vintage on offer.