Toddler TV: a warning from the edge of sleep

This is what parenthood does to your taste hormones.

I like Hi-5.

They're pleasant, they sing in tune, and they seem to genuinely like small children. Mr P reckons that Charli's boyfriend has a special DVD of her crawling around pretending to be a fluffy animal to help him through those long lonely nights when she's off on tour with hunky ocker Nathan and sensitive Tim.

I have also discovered what happened to all those Star Trek crew members who got zapped in the first ten minutes. They ended up in Australia as The Wiggles. They scare me.

What is it with Australia and weird preschool programmes? First Bananas in Pyjamas, then Hi 5 (Steps without the edge), now Star Trek Extras sing with Dinosaurs.

It's like Canada and cartoons. Speaking of which, the five commissioners have managed to find the most Canadian cartoon ever. Roly Poly Olie - an alien robot child constructed entirely out of deely boppers, goes on a manners hunt, where he finds examples of politeness and explains them his little sister. We also get BottleTop Bill (and his best friend Corky), in which a former cohort of Jasper Carrott teams up with Miranda Richardson (no, really), in a world made up of recycled cardboard and kitchen utensils.

I'd tell you more, but I'm still trying to work out how come I ended up watching TV at 7am. I used to be a grown up. I listened to the Today programme...

I wish there was something to Blog about apart from LOST

After initial doubts (and boredom) this is now kicking off in a major way. First of all Dellen from Babylon 5 is discovered on the island, pretending to be a French lady! (called Rousseau – yawn, what with her and Locke, I am just counting the days until we discover that Bitchy Girl’s surname is Wittgenstein, Alpha Girl’s is Heiddeger, etc etc) Then someone has the bright idea of counting the survivors and checking their names against the flight passenger list. They discover that one of the castaways is actually not on the list and therefore can’t have been on the aeroplane – gasp – and what’s more he is Tom Cruise’s cousin or something!!

In other news, preggers aussie girl Claire is subjected to flashback fever this week. (Claire is v pretty and likeable but she runs around far too briskly for someone who is supposed to be 8.5 months pregnant) It turns out that her no good boyfriend abandoned her and she was going to give the baby up for adoption, but then a spooky psychic said that she had to raise the baby herself or else GREAT EVIL would come of it or some such. There is the idea that he deliberately put her on the flight as he knew it would crash and she would be forced to raise the baby far away from evil cultists.

So let’s see – we have spontaneous healing, polar bears, invisible bitey monsters, mysterious whispering, French-alien-yugoslav ladies who do not run out of anything in 16 years and now Rosemary’s Baby??? What are the chances that any of these things are going to be resolved by the end of the series??

Anyway, Claire thinks someone tried to attack her in the night. Dr Jack thinks she is hysterical but Claire is sure it is true. Who could it be etc?? Of course it is Tom Cruise’s Cousin, who appears at the end of the episode looking all mean and evil and ready to drag her and Hobbit off to the Secret Valley of the Scientologists.

Cliffhanger!!!

The Magic of Live TV Not

I attended another BBC TV show recording the other week, but this was for a rubbish “Sound of Musicals” thing, presented by Aled Jones and just perfect for the Saturday 6.30pm slot. It is all very Lite Entertainment. The guests were the two singing coaches off Fame Academy, the blonde bloke ex of S Club 7, Ruthie Henshall from The West End and Captain Jack off Dr Who (who is much better looking in real life, hubba hubba). Also there were cast members from Mama Mia doing lame Abba karaoke type shenans. Oh good.

The plot of the show is ***SPOILER*** that they sing songs off musicals and dance around a bit. Zzzz. With all the reshoots and technical pauses it seemed to last an age and I amused myself by spotting how many gays there were in the audience (answer = many). The highlights were (a) whenever Ruthie Henshall sang – she was v good and I especially liked “All That Jazz” from Chicago, performed with a bunch of dancers and (b) when they were all told that they would have to do a complicated medley sequence again from scratch and Ruthie said “Oh for fuck’s sake” loud enough for the whole audience to hear. I know how you feel, love.

The lowlights were the rest of it, basically. We had to listen to Red Haired Fame Academy Lady murder “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina”, not once but twice. Capt Jack is a very good singer but was given shit songs to sing. I especially hate Maria from West Side Story. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to have a song where someone basically sings “Maria, Maria, Maria” about fifteen times in a row deserves to be shot. I don’t think I’ll be setting my video for this one when it finally airs.

Questions for the LOST

So, where did the crazy French lady come from and how come she didn't hear the plane? Is she crazy, or is there really an island-specific disease that turns human beings into polar bears? How come her hair is so well-conditioned after sixteen years on a tropical wilderness, and is it just the innate French style that makes her wear her castaway rags like Agnes b? Where is that electricity coming from? How come Hurley hasn't lost any weight? How did Sayid escape the murderous forces of Saddam's Republican Guards and make his way to freedom without whatsername (who also had pleasantly tousled locks, even after a month in a desert hellhole prison). What was a nice boy like him doing in a crack psycho military unit anyway?

I kind-of agree with Frank about Lost being a teeny bit crap, but it's nice to unwind to after my evening class. Though it does leave me too tired to watch The Apprentice

Random thoughts on LOST no 324

It's the Hobbit's turn to look dreamily into the distance. He manages to do this while Kurtz is using him as boar bait, which is quite good. Hobbit drifts back to a confessional, where he is busy confessing to some hot groupie action the night before. Hey, hang on a bit, they're from Catholic boys from Manchester (via Glasgow and Brentwood, judging by those accents), there's a wild child singer brother, and his name is Liam. Hobbit plays guitar and writes all the Quo-heavy stadium rocky song. There are blondes, drugs, party shenanigans a-plenty...but Noel Gallagher as a junior priest? Hmmm...maybe I do need some of Hobbit's drucks.

Dr Jack's squeaky little voice messes with the roof structure, and the cave collapses in on him, becoming a cave of DEATH.