Toddler TV: a warning from the edge of sleep

This is what parenthood does to your taste hormones.

I like Hi-5.

They're pleasant, they sing in tune, and they seem to genuinely like small children. Mr P reckons that Charli's boyfriend has a special DVD of her crawling around pretending to be a fluffy animal to help him through those long lonely nights when she's off on tour with hunky ocker Nathan and sensitive Tim.

I have also discovered what happened to all those Star Trek crew members who got zapped in the first ten minutes. They ended up in Australia as The Wiggles. They scare me.

What is it with Australia and weird preschool programmes? First Bananas in Pyjamas, then Hi 5 (Steps without the edge), now Star Trek Extras sing with Dinosaurs.

It's like Canada and cartoons. Speaking of which, the five commissioners have managed to find the most Canadian cartoon ever. Roly Poly Olie - an alien robot child constructed entirely out of deely boppers, goes on a manners hunt, where he finds examples of politeness and explains them his little sister. We also get BottleTop Bill (and his best friend Corky), in which a former cohort of Jasper Carrott teams up with Miranda Richardson (no, really), in a world made up of recycled cardboard and kitchen utensils.

I'd tell you more, but I'm still trying to work out how come I ended up watching TV at 7am. I used to be a grown up. I listened to the Today programme...