PROJECT CATFIGHT, MORE LIKE...

For the final task before the final, the four remaining contestants (Less-dour aussie Monica, Bouncy Luke, Bitter Queen Giles and Likeable Queen Wayne) have to make a wedding dress for ITV Cat Deeley clone presenter Holly (“She’s too tall!! Not perky enough!! Amend the formula!!!”) and what’s more, they have to make it in Debenhams on Oxford St on the shop floor while the hoi polloi leer at them. They all get to quiz Holly on what kind of dress he likes (there is a funny bit where Holly says “not white” and Monica starts chanting “Holly’s not a virgin!”) and then talk to two top frock designers (who both look as if they have stopped off on the way to notorious gay muscle club AM:PM) about, um, other things to do with dresses.

They buy their fabric and all moan about having to work in Debenhams with shitty sewing machines. Giles and Luke panic and are a bit rubbish! Wayne and Monica, not so much! Then Giles makes me hate him slightly less by going to the Julian MacDonald “Designer at Debenang” bit and making fun of all the shitty clothes.

For the “something old” they have to go to an antique shop and buy something – Monica and Giles both buy weird old hats and the other two buy jewellery. For the something borrowed bit they are allowed to borrow something from Debenhams shop floor – I would have chosen a Wii myself but they all chose shoes… They then have to show their dresses in the shop window and see what people think of them…

Monica’s – a pretty, eggshell blue dress with flowery bits on the shoulder straps and a tulip skirt. My favourite, though the antique granny hat she puts on the model is not great.

Luke’s – is not properly finished as usual. It is white (gasp!) with an excessively low cut bodice and a huge skirt that looks a crumpled up paper bag.

Giles’ – what the hell? It is sort of light gold coloured and covered with bits of torn up lace so it looks like a bird’s nest. Also, it makes the model who later wears it look as though she is huge. Not at all flattering.

Wayne’s – is sort of ivory coloured with black lace round the bodice and a black netting bustle thing. It would be a nice dress for anything apart from a wedding, unless you were Elvira queen of the night or something.

The judges say pretty much the same thing – Monica wins (hurrah!) and Wayne comes second. We are down to Giles and Luke and the voice over helpfully reminds us that Luke has won the weekly tasks a few times and that Giles has never won. They are given a final moment to try and saves themselves. Giles bitches about Luke’s time management skills and Luke says that Giles’ designs are “dated” and that he dresses like a clown (paraphrase…) Meow!! Of course Luke wins – I can’t believe I actually got the finalists I wanted!!!