We're going to get some interesting Google hits after this one...

My boyfriend made me watch one of those stupid C4 docs “Ohs noes I don’t like my penis” or whatever it was called. (C4 are really scraping the barrel these days btw) and it was pretty rubbish, with a couple of blokes going “Yeah, I’m bigger than average – you just have to be a bit careful so you don’t hurt your partner” – like wow, stop the press, and a couple of “cultural commentators” talking clichéd nonsense (though at least it wasn’t Paul Ross and Kate Thornton – small mercies etc)

However, imagine my surprise when one of the guests turned out to be J0nah Falc0n (deliberately misspelt to stop the egotistical bastard googling himself…) – this American bloke who is “famous” for having the biggest cock in the world (13.5 inches – yowsa) and also for being the biggest cock in the world – basically all he does is whine on about how he tried to get famous due to his big cock and now no-one takes him seriously because they are obsessed with his big cock. The words “made”, “your”, “bed”, “now”, “lie”, “in” and “it” spring to mind.

The reason I was so surprised is that I actually used to post on the same message board as him years ago! What are the chances etc?? It was about 1998 and we both used to be on the Salon.com Table Talk boards – he was well known as a notorious troll who would derail any discussion about US films with tirades about how he hated the director Paul T And3rson – And3rson’s crime was to cast Marky Mark as the lead in Boogie Nights when it should have been J0nah – who could have played the part without any plastic prosthesis!! (not sure how he would have coped with, say, the acting and saying lines etc but that never appeared to be a consideration). Falc0n’s vendetta against Anderson got more and more intense until he was basically accusing him of being a talentless, drug fiend gaylord (Fiona 4pple = beard, apparently) who slept his way to the top. All this was probably libellous and Falc0n was banned in the end. The phrase “I’ve got a 13 inch cock!” lived on in Table Talk history for years afterwards as a shorthand way of saying “I’m a tool!!”

Years later and I finally get to see him in the flesh – he is kind of plump and shifty looking with mad eyes and, yes, a big cock. All the talk about how people objectify him etc would be a lot easier to take seriously if he didn’t roam the street in skin tight gold trousers smirking when people point and stare. Perhaps one way to stop people objectifying you about your giant cock would be to stop drawing attention to your giant cock on TV documentaries and internet message boards etc yet 8 years later he is doing the exact same thing. Talk about a one trick pony. Or should that be one prick pony? Ha ha ha ahem… (tumbleweed blows across website)