OH BROTHER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

I think the only way we can express the horror of this year's "Celebrity" Big Brother is to go straight into the line up.

CHANTELLE
SARAH: This year's CBB has a special "non-celebrity" in the line up. The celebrities have to guess which one isn't really One Of Them. How the hell are they supposed to do that? Check for fairy dust? Anyway, Chantelle, a Paris Hilton looky-likey, only without the intellectual sophistication, is the fake celeb, apparently. She has to convince people that she was in a girl band called Kandyfloss but the Evening Standard says she is a celebrity of sorts because she impersonates a celebrity. Well, at least she actually looks like Paris: some of the lookalikes you see advertised in the back pages of The Stage kind of push the boundaries of the concept.

MARK: The idea of a fake celeb is quite a good one but it seems that Chantelle has already messed it up by giving different chart positions to different people. Doh, numbers are hard. Has something of the air of BB2 Helen about her – I especially liked her mangled cliché spouting. eg. “It’s better to live a life full of regrets than to…um…not.”

Quite.

MICHAEL BARRYMORE
SARAH: Yes that's right. Michael the man who, in finding his gayness, lost his ability to make make people laugh. And dead people started appearing in his swimming pool so he went to live in New Zealand (that'll teach 'em to beat us at rugger). There's a small indoor pool in the house.It might just be a big bath, of course, but...

Anyway the BB hired mob go suitably crazy, and Barrymore milks it like a Jersey calf in springtime. It's even worse when he gets in the house. Alcohol on all sides...nowhere to hide...

MARK: Seems to divide his time equally between crying, acting self consciously wacky (I’m a gynaecologist, ho ho ho), and droning on endlessly about himself in a slurred voice. Please no-one encourage to talk about himself (ie look at him) or I will go insane. Seems to be mentally unstable and therefore probably Should Not Be In The House. I suppose the sweet sweet smell of attention was too much for him to resist.

PETE BURNS
SARAH: Eh? Oh no I really didn't need to see the results of Pete "Dead or Alive" Burns's plastic surgery disaster. When I saw the tattoos I thought he might be Lemmy, but I was wrong.

So far, so tragic.

MARK: Aaargh, my eyes. I really did not need to see photos of pus shooting out of Pete’s distended lips. Another one who can bore for England when talking about his fascinating self – esp I am bored with his non-insightful thoughts on gender and the political consequences of looking like a demented Italian porn star. Also has the unlikeable habit of saying cruel things to people as a joke (ie calling Rula a “dried up old husk” when she said she tried to adopt children once). This grotesque freak needs to fuck right off. Ha ha, only joking, Pete! His affection for alledged “gorilla skin” coat could mean that the fwuffy wuvwy animal loving public will vote him out pronto.

TRACI BINGHAM
SARAH: You know you're in trouble when a woman announces herself as the first African American woman to wear the Baywatch swimsuit (take that Rosa Parkes!). I didn't know a single body could handle so much silicone and still be classified as human.

MARK: Went to Harvard apparently so must be reasonably intelligent, but hides it well with continued routine of pouting, boob thrusting and insincere cooing. Seems alright when she settles down but has a typically LA excessive regard for Michael’s tales of rehab/coming to terms with sexuality/personal struggle to overcome surmountable odds blah blah blah. Stop encouraging him, Traci!

MAGGOT
SARAH: Ewww...who's this? A pallid young man with a hooked nose and a tracksuit who says he's from a popular hippety hop combo called Goldie Looking Chain. I think I might have seen them on Popworld. He'll be either totally irritating or quite sweet, I suppose. But he really needs to get some sun. This year's Bez - though not nice enough to win.

MARK:Is supposed to be the comedy relief housemate presumably (and gains points for telling people that he was just there to make up the numbers) but the fact that he has had practically zero screen time since the first night means that he is presumably not being very funny. I had a fear that he would form an annoying Lad Axis with Preston (like Kenzie and that dick Jeremy last year) but that doesn’t seem to have happened yet.

RULA LENSKA
SARAH: Blimey, my adolescence is coming back to haunt me. Former Minder missus bluntly admits that this is all a publicity stunt to let agents know that she is still alive. I quite like her because she reminds me a bit of my very actressy ex-neighbour. Bet she turns out to be a right pain.

MARK: I last remember her playing Frank Butcher’s dodgy bird in some heinous EE foreign weekly special (Bring Me the Head of Francisco Butcher) and am fascinated by her immobile hair helmut. Overdid the camp grand dame actress routine in her entrance video but seems quite sensible and nice now she is in there.

JODI MARSH
SARAH: What, are they going to bring Kenzie back as a surprise guest? Can you imagine the scene if she and Traci try to go through a door at the same time?

MARK: Looks very strange with her tiny pointy face, misshapen nose and freakishly white eyes and teeth (can you have the whites of your eyes bleached???) and that’s just talking about her from the neck up. Also that assymetrical pony tail is doing her no favours. She has spent her whole life trying to turn herself into some kind of low rent sex symbol but now spends all the time moaning that everyone thinks she is a dozy slapper. Has absolutely no sense of humour about herself and it’s not surprising that Jordan has beaten her in the Celebrity Battle of the D-List Norkbags.

DENIS RODMAN
SARAH: I don't know who this bloke is, but it says here that he's a cross-dressing ex basketball star. He's got a lot of very strange piercings and there seems to be 'history' between him and Traci. Maybe he borrowed her thong and never gave it back.

MARK: I had vaguely heard of him, mainly due to his high profile shagging of Madonna & Carmen Electra etc (who was also in Baywatch, which is presumably how Traci knows him). Seems to be completely laid back and not to give a toss about anything which is quite refreshing, but presumably his notorious horniness will get the better of him soon enough. Has already been making “moves” on Chantelle.

FARIA ALAM
SARAH: So she slept with some football execs. I mean, at least footballers are fit and fanciable (bonjour Thierry!), but a middle-aged balding manager and FA exec? Puh-leese. Maybe she's the dummy celeb. Or maybe they'll make her masturbate a gerbil or something like they did to that one who got txted by David Beckham.

MARK: Dear Faria, If you hate the way the tabloids raked you over the coals in the past then the best thing to do would be to NOT GO ON CELBRITY BIG BROTHER. Signed, everyone.

PRESTON
SARAH: Another member of a popular beat combo - one of those new ska bands, I believe. Baby mods like him were ten a penny when I was a girl. Possibly the Eye Candy. Greeted Barrymore with "Awight?"

MARK: I would not look at him twice in an indie club but is the closest thing to a good looking man this year. Nice tattoos but no discernable personality as yet. He guessed Chantelle was a fake though.

GEORGE GALLOWAY
SARAH: George Fucking Galloway? Hang on, Parliament's in session. Isn't there something else he should be doing? Like representing the interests of the people of Bow? Lots of boos from the audience. Evidently not many Socialist Worker's Party, sorry Respect party members are BB fans. Or maybe there are a lot of people from Bow.

MARK: At least his constituents will actually get a glimpse of him for once, that is until the toxic levels of smarm that he emits melt out their TV’s. When he is on screen, me and my boyfriend spend most of the time arguing whether he most closely resembles a used car salesman or a bent 1970s copper. (Ed: you’re both right!)