The X Factor - This week, it's all about the Love..

This week's show ain't got nothing but love for yer as the final seven acts get down to the business of being shockingly mediocre for another week. Kate intoduces the show and is bedecked in a very lovely black dress this week, myself and the wife couldn't tell if it was simply a dress, or a dress/shrug combo - either way it was a belter, which is more than can be said for Kate herself..

Simon and LouLou seem to have made up after last weeks scripted falling out, and is all is ready for Ben to kick us off with the Power-Balladtastic "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing". However it seems that everyone is doing a "Going Back to my old Shitty Life" VT this week prior to singing. Ben spends the whole of his crying over footage of marquees being put up, as he tells how all he ever wanted to was music and once he even (GASP!) contemplated giving up, and if he has to go back to his old job then blah blah blah weep weep. What a load of bollocks, and considering most of the viewing audience have to face their own shitty jobs on Monday morning then rather ignorant as well if you ask me. He is playing a guitar this week, which when combined with his ability to play the piano sends him into the musical stratosphere as far the The X Factor is concerned, however he appears to me to be miming it. Anyway it starts badly, he then stands up off his stool as the drums (with obligatory soft-rock reverb) come in and it gets one peekogram better. It then spirals down through the floor into the shit-cellar as he sings to a couple of poor women in the audience about 2 inches from their face, and when he returns to the stage there is a front fan blowing his hair back and dry ice sloshing about. It was bloody awful and worthy of the Cardigan Room at Butlin's, Pwllheli. Simon has it right when he says that is was a bit bland and the crying on the VT was silly and unnecessary.

The MacDiablos are up next singing "She's The One", and they do an Ok job of it. To be fair to them they are always in tune and their harmonies are nice, but the are just very mediocre, bland and lacking in chemistry. I would've thought that since they have obviously done a deal with devil to stay in every week that Old Nick would've given them a bit of snazz, pizazz and jizz-jazz, but it is not to be. LouLou says that it was their best week yet, which is a bit like saying it's better to have your hand trapped in a slamming car door than have it sliced off with a rusty hacksaw.

Everyones favourite lego-haired, pig-nosed, chucky-faced midget Ray is next, singing Iron Maiden's "2 Minutes to Midnight", oh sorry I mean fucking swing again! He is dressed like 'Mini Pops does Rat-Pack' (again) and doing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Everything he does is extremely proficient in his defence, but he looks exactly like that precocious 12 year old who gets the lead part in all the school plays and whose parents make him stand up to do songs and impressions at family parties, much to the chagrin of the rest of the family who want to punch him. I agree with LouLou on this one, in that I cannot see him being a recording artist, I can however see a future for him doing winter season in Great Yarmouth in a Jimmy Clitheroe tribute.

Nikitta is up next singing Donna Summer's "Last Dance", she is not really flat at all this week, she is however still nasal, but credit to wardrobe as they finally put her in a decent frock. She talks about her mum in her VT beforehand and we get another look at the Auntie who Sharon got rid of in favour of the weeping wheelchair woman and credit to Nikitta, she didn't do any crying. She once again stomps round like Peter Schmeichel trying to so Salsa (bless him!), and it was all very forgettable, unfortunately for her.

When I heard Eton Road were doing The Beatles "From Me To You" this week I was little disappointed as I would've preferred something a bit more modern from them, but I was still looking forward to it. Rule Number 1: Never have expectations of the X Factor. It was pretty shocking, they all came on dressed as members of 'Dexy's Midnight Runners' meets 'Half A Shilling', and looked liked they had been choreographed by whoever did Buck's Fizz for Eurovision, only without the flair for ripping off clothes. The vocals were OK but they all just sang together meaning no unique voice could be made out, at least not until it all just suddenly stopped and Molko sang the bridge in the style of a castrated hyena. Lou Lou wants shooting for this, these lads can sing, they look good and they all went to dance school - this arrangement and sub-Stylistics level dance routine is a disgrace.

Leona's VT showed her going back to the solicitors in which she used to work, and then crying, it also showed her seeing her family, and then crying, then more crying - pull yourself together mard-arse! She belts out a stunning vocal performance of "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word", however I have to say she still leaves me cold, as much as I admire her technical ability. However, she really needs to tone down on the vibrato0o0o0o0o and the end of every liIiIiIiIiIne, as it is very irritating. Simon comes over all Soccer A.M and says she was "World Class".

And finally it's Robert. His VT shows him going back to the 'Orspital where he works and spending time with his family, who it would seem are no strangers to the KFC Bargain Bucket. He tells us how the song he is singing, "Always & Forever", he also sang at his sisters funeral so it means a lot to him. There is no mention of how she died, so we must draw our own conclusions. I thought his was the performance of the night personally, absolutely raw with emotion (well as much as an 80s soul song by 'Heatwave' can be) and a fabulous vocal delivery. Simon said it has put him "right back in this competition" (drink!). Robert does a small speech about how it was for anyone who has ever loved a lover in a loving way through love, or something.

Kate wraps up and hands the decision over to the pasty globule of massed latent heart disease that is the British Public.

RESULTS SHOW

Kate is back on, and apparently it's been the closest vote in the history of the show, with the stupid public literally stuffing money into Simon Cowell's high slung pockets via their telephones.

This week's special guest is Julio Double-Glesias, here to plug his new album of love songs, and he has a stab at "I Wanna Know What Love Is". Now I'm struggling to find the words to describe how really awfully bad it was, although I know that baffling, abject and execrable must figure in it somewhere. Once this freakshow has moved on, it's results time!

Long story short the MacDiablos are through again, and Ray (hurrah!) and Nikitta (meh..) are in the bottom two and face the Sing-Off Showdown of Righteousness and Truth! Nikitta is actually a bit better this time around, and Ray hits critical level on the "Punch Me" scale.

Sharon saves Ray, LouLou saves Nikitta. Simon thinks for ages and a row nearly breaks out in the crowd between the hecklers, he then makes noises about the audience possibly being bored with Ray. He then says "I've changed my mind, I'm sending Nikitta home", nobody is actually sure what he changed his mind from or why. To Nikitta's credit she deals with it all stoically and with great maturity for an 18 year old, pay attention Leona!

See you next week, when maybe Louis will finally get Eton Road a decent song.

AMERICAN TELLY!!

Well I have an excuse for being slack as I have been on holiday in New York! We had the telly on every now and again but the only things that stood out were...

DANCE WITH THE STARS!!
This is the US version of Strictly Come Dancing and the format is exactly the same only slighty more American and with more filler. Cabbie Len and Bruno are on the judging panel with a pretty American lady. When they give their votes they stand up and shout "TEN!!!!" The three remaining competitors were some older ex footballer bloke, Joey Lawrence (whom I vaguely recall as a teen TV star with a mullet and a v short pop career - now he is v bald and muscley and kept going on about god and his family. vom) and a v plasticky/handsome young latino guy I had never heard of. Joey was eliminated ha ha. Hot latino guy to win!!

FASHION HOUSE
Oh my god, this was hilariously bad. It basically stars Bo Derek and Morgan Fairchild (looking like a laminated version of Paris Hilton these days) as fashion designers who are rivals in business! and love! The plot makes no sense. At one point Bo is hiding in hospital with a fake heart attack and Morgan is trying to stab her with a syringe, next thing Bo is having catfights with gang girls in prison. Eh? In between there are many scenes of Bo and Morgan slapping each other, scenes where pretty girls talk about stuff and try unsuccessfully to make sad/troubled/devious facial expressions and scenes where hunky men talk about stuff and then stare at each other intensely as though they are about to start gaying up (though they sadly don't). Basically anything not involving slapping is like the bits of porn between sex scenes. I can't see any UK channel buying it, but it would work as a Prisoner Cell Block H style late night cult thing.

STRICTLY COME DANCING: IT TAKES TWO (TRIES)
We've been very bad and missed covering Bad Love Island Boy's "outburst", which only served to create more controversy that really put the disintegration of Iraqi society in a bloody civil war brought on partly by British and American intervention into perspective, I can tell you.

Brendan is convinced that the judges hate him. He's right. Arlene looks like she'd rather chew a million wasps than spend another minute in the same room as him. Over the past few weeks, Bad Girl Lady has been comparing Brendan with a recalcitrant labrador puppy, and Brendan's just ANGRY! To be honest, they've been a bit crap. The dances involve lots of posing and pacing about, with pointing and "foxy" looks from a barely-clad Bad Girl Lady.

Davetta's been secretly voting for Spice, or so her slimy partner says. I think it's all a stunt. Davetta has been doing quite well: she did a pretty good salsa, and her foxtrot was competent, but the spark seems to have gone.

I'd like to know what Carol Smillie has against birds. Nearly every outfit has featured feathers of some description, sticking out of her head, hemmed into her dress...again, another very Aston Villa performance over the past fortnight. Actually given the state of Aston Villa, I'd say a very Christian Gross-era Tottenham performance. Cute kids though.

Casualty Blonde finally got the chop. Her partner tried not to look pleased. Last week Jan Ravens pulled out all the stops: Viennese waltz with mega ruffles, winsome children in the front row, begging their mother not to fail. It didn't work. Poor old Anton had to drag her around the dance floor, and her hair made her look old. She made a tearful exit, and the papers featured a cross Mr Ravens. I don't know why he was cross, just that he was.

Baby Spice: It's a wig, I tells yer! She's damn good.

Mark Ramprakash. In the words of my Auntie Val: "Phwoarrrr..." The Pasa Doble was a bit of a comedy routine with capes being waved all over the place. Then they had to start the Salsa again because his microphone got caught up in his partner's sequins halfway through. Why he couldn't play cricket like this when the Aussies were tonking us big style, I'll never know. Actually he was rather good. Very good in fact. Just not as good as he is at dancing. To be honest, if we decided to play the Strictly Come Dancing Ashes, we'd probably still get trashed by some last minute bravura cape waving by Glenn McGrath. Not that we'll get trashed this year, oh no...[that's enough cricket talk - Ed].

Can't remember any of the others. They all did OK - enough to get through anyway.

Next week: back to proper updates, with special guest reviewers Mr P and Baby Ceej!

MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL UPDATE

The four worst models (English Rose, Brown Hair Helmut Boy, Swedish Blonde, Muscular Baldy) are put on warning and have to do extra humiliating tasks to prove their modelocity – in one bit they have to stand on boxes outside the Tate Modern and basically strip whilst passers-by throw monopoly money at them. Yikes. Muscular Baldy sensibly gets his 6-pack out at the earliest opportunity and Swedish Blonde surprises the judges by not whining. English Rose and Lego Hair get the boot. Buh bye models, we hardly knew you.

The boys are allowed to do face painting and play dressing up while the girls go on a shoot. I thought that those were activities to amuse 5 yr old children but never mind. The judges say that Hot Albert has an artistic streak. I hope this is secret code for GAY.

The girls go to Billingsgate Fish Market where a photographer called Lars tries to make them cry by making them pose on mounds of ice/dead fish etc. He has a regulation gay baldy potato face assistant. You just know they are making misogynistic comments re “fish” as soon as they are off camera. Dicks. Anyway, the girls take it like troopers, even the Swedish Blonde who is a vegan. Eritriean Girl is dressed up as a xmas tree decoration and has to lie on a pile of ice. Shelley Duval has to stab fishes with knives, which she does with disturbing relish.

Then they all have to do a task where they pretend to advertise products and have to talk about pro-v pentapeptides etc on camera. They are nearly all rubbish and Rachael Hunter tells them that if they are being paid £2million for a commercial they have to act like they mean it. Yeah right, as if Rachael “I am only famous for letting Rod Stewart bone me and now I am on Channel 5” Hunter ever earned that much.

Back at the Model Cave, there are signs of tension. Hott Albert and James Who Is Gay are sick of Wazzock and Wiry Baldy’s juvenile behaviour. James Who Is Gay still thinks his gayness puts him on another level to the straight boys - a lower level, the way he is carrying on. Eritrean girl hates Muscular Baldy (who admittedly is a dick, but he's still fit) and everyone is sick of Shelly Duval whining and crying all the time (a bit like the real Shelly Duval then…).

Next time: Northern Blonde tells Shelly Duval off for “shhhh-ing” her in a disrespectful fashion. Fight! Fight! Also I will go out on a limb and predict that there will be a scene where all the boys have to strip down to their pants.

STRICTLY COME DANCING
This week I have come to the conclusion that former model Tess Daly only acquired the multi-directional ICBM breasts after she gave birth, and still isn't quite sure what to do with them. Certainly they need a bit more support than a sparkly strap cutting into her armpits and a bit of tea coloured velourette.

This week, the chaps were dancing the tango - originally formulated in the brothels of Buenos Aires, the competition version involves lots of leg tangling, shaking of heads and throwing around of the lady partner with a look of disdain. You seem to spend half the time dancing lasciviously with someone without even looking at them, which reminds Mark of a typical night in a gay club.

The girls were dancing the jive, which pretty much sounds the death knell for anybody over thirty. Jiving requires that you wear your hair in some strange Sigue Sigue Sputnik-style quiff and do lots of sprightly leg kicking, spinning and general bouncing about.

In other news, Tarbuck is OUT due to ill health and Flamboyant Italian Judge shocks the nation by saying "Bullshit" before the watershed. Gasp!

THE GIRLS

Smiley Carol Smillie
SARAH:...writes down her moves on a clipboard, thus proving Mark's girly swot comment. They try to sex it up this week, but I think they went wrong with the choice of Madonna's Hanky Panky for the music. Possibly one of the least sexy songs ever written. Didn't like the ostrich features up Carol's bum either.

MARK: Carol's Big Bird/Chicken outfit is dreadful and totally detracts from her shapely pins. She does OK and gets a decent mark but I think she is doomed to mid table mediocrity. An Aston villa compared to the Arsenal/Chelsea combo of Davetta/Baby Spice

Casualty Blonde
SARAH: This one was saved by the microscopic skirt made out of three sequins and a belt. Utterly charmless and weepy in rehearsal. And her partner's a bit of a dick too.

MARK: Looks like she auditioning for the part of Aquagirl in her outfit. Arlene's constructive criticism is that she needs to learn how to walk properly before she can dance. Seriouusly. Ouch.

Bad Girls lady
SARAH: After being told off last week for his illegal lifts (um,yeah...call the cops). Love Island Boy tries to throw Bad Girls lady about some more, but she won't let him. She spends most of her time wiggling her mile-high quiff and doing pointy stuff while Brendan gets "passionate". Judges love it. But they still hate him.

MARK: Bad Girl compensates for the fact that she is too old to do the jive by, um, foregrounding her bosoms in a sparkly bra. Half the judges' comments are about partner's alleged naughtiness/lack thereof. Way to totally overshadow your celebrity partner, you badly permed cockfarmer.

Jan Ravens
SARAH: Not very good. Anton looks like he dropped in to dash off a quick dance on the way to fix our boiler. It's still not working properly, Anton...

MARK: Jan gamely yet ineptly kicks and spasms her way through the routine while Anton swirls around her like a dervish in his horrendous all red outfit; a Flash to Georgina's Aquagirl.

Emma Bunton
SARAH: Look, she's great. So let's not bang on about how great she is and talk about her partner. Is that a hairpiece or what?

MARK: I was so obsessed by partner's (a) orangeness (b) supercamp dancing and (c) general gayness that I never even looked at his "hair". Will pay more attention next week.

Davetta off Eastenders
SARAH: Well, she appears to have recovered well after the shocking news of her dad's demise. Then slimy partner slips on his snail trail and pulls a hamstring during rehearsals, but he soldiers on to help her do a quite good jive (well, she is about 12, so jiggling about doesn't hold many terrors for her).

MARK: Survives Mr "Do you want chilli sauce with that"'s injury to dance a splendid jive. Also her green sequinny dress is an improvement on last week's acid yellow monstrosity. What did they do to her hair though. OMG!!!

THE BOYS

Ray off Corrie
SARAH: Did lots of haughty head waggling and his legs were a bit stiff.

MARK: Quite a forgettable performance - prob better at latin rather than ballroom. He is quite handsome though.

Matt Dawson
SARAH: Quite a bit better than last week, but it's more of a waltz than a steamy prelude to a night of hot Matt lovin'. Especially as he looked like he was waiting for a bus for most of the dance.


MARK: Much improved on last week but still unable to put on anything resembling a performance. Perhaps he should imagine that he's dancing with his TV Husband Ally McCoist or something.

DJ Spoony
SARAH: Oooh...what are they doing? They've chosen a proper tango tune, not a tango-ed up Will Young smoochfest, and...AND...it's in GERMAN. It's like they were sending a subliminal eviction note to the Great British Public. Guess what? It worked.

MARK: Gets a bit mixed up with tango head shaking moment but otherwise does quite well. He's still evicted to the shock of the judges. It's not looking great for the GB Public that two black contestants have been evicted in as many weeks, or perhaps the Casualty juggernaut is unstoppable?

Mark Ramprakash
SARAH: Oooh...

MARK: Another excellent performance from the cricketing Adonis and housewive's favouite. Arlene's favourite too - next time he does a sexy latin dance she will probably jump over the desk and start ripping at his sequins.

Peter Schmeichel
SARAH: Actually, he was rather good, like Boris Johnson crossed with an emperor penguin. His haughty look was more about striking the fear of God in an oncoming midfielder than enticing a young lady to examine his onion bag.

MARK: Apparently does an excellent technical job, despite vague Lurch type tendencies. Kudos to the make up department for taming his rudolph style red nose too (much evident in rehearsals)