Apprentice US Stylee

As a keen viewer of the Sir Alan Sugar Apprentice Experience, I was intrigued to watch the US version on BBC3 the other day. It is very much the same format, only it is set in NYC with Donald Trump and his bizarre and scary comb-over as the entrepreneur in question. I suppose when you are that rich you could have a pile of dead mice on your head, loosely stitched together with raffia, and still no-one would say anything. As well as the splendour that is Donald, we have many scenes set in Trump Tower, which looks like a Vegas casino and is unremittingly tacky – still, they don’t have Amstrad’s rubbish emailer phones dotted around every scene, so in one respect they are actually LESS tacky than Siralan. Donald’s sidekicks are an older white haired bloke who seems quite normal and a younger blonde woman with an unmoveable hair helmut who never says anything and makes no facial expressions whatsoever. I am a bit scared of her, to be honest.

The contestants are the usual assortment of muppets and dilettantes – the main difference is that the production of the US version just comes across as really cheesy and juvenile – like at one point the male team were “brainstorming” and whenever they came up with a lame idea there was a comedy “boinngggg!” noise on the soundtrack. Hello, are we watching Rainbow here or something? Also, the editing is a lot more soapy, i.e. in the title sequence the Apprentices are all named and there is a shot of eacjh of them smiling or answering the phone or pointing at a flow chart or something. It is like the beginning of “Dallas”! There are also many shots of people making hacky faces and glaring at each other for no reason. (I actually approve of this innovation). Even the receptionist who says “King Donald will see you now!” had about three hacky faced reaction shots – FOR NO REASON!!!

The first time I watched it was in week three, so I don’t really have a clue about any of the contestants. The weekly task was to take $50k and stage a marketing event for a leading-brand-of-toothpaste’s new vanilla and mint flavour. Vanilla and mint? Vomit. PR shills for the Leading Toothpaste Company would judge the winner on how much buzz they generated. The men’s team (called something subtle like “Team Giant Penis”) wanted to put on a Dr Evil style Meellion Dollar sweepstake, but “legal” wouldn’t let them do it. Instead they just hired some circus freaks and jugglers and gave away toothpaste in the street. How boring. If I was Donald I would have sacked all them just for the sin of making jugglers feel useful for a day. The women (Team Ovary) decided to hire a celebrity and have an event with him brushing his teeth in the street with new vile sounding toothpaste. The celebrity was some New York sports bloke I have never heard of – someone suggested LL Cool J but he was rejected because apparently he was too “edgy”. Buh buh but I thought Ladies Loved Cool James??? Also, LL Cool J? Edgy? “Deep Blue Sea” was hardly like the fricking Cremaster Cycle, not even when LL Cool J rapped at the end and pretended that he was a shark. The women were clearly set to win due to their slightly better ideas but unfortunately they overspent the budget to the tune of $5,000 on flyers and promo materials and were thus declared the Losers. Doh, easy mistake to make, I suppose – if you’re a total idiot.

The two women responsible were a Jane Wiedlin look-alike called Maria, who had weird pencilled-in eyebrows and blinked a lot – she supposedly negotiated the price – and the budget manager; an Asian girl called Ivana (I bet she was only selected because of her name). They were both pretty dreadful and refused to even accept the idea that they could have been remotely responsible for the mistake. Blinky Maria: “I told the printer I could only spend $2,000 and he said he wasn’t sure he could do it for that price, and then he couldn’t do it! How is that my fault???” etc.

At this point the show got (a) really nasty and (b) really interesting. Team Ovary were so awful that they make UK Apprentice’s Melty-Face Adele seem like the voice of reason – it turns out that Stacy (the only black girl in the team, which was all white apart from her and Ivana) had had a minor freakout in week one and all the other women had decided that she was mentally ill and had teamed up to shun her and blame her for everything, even though she hadn’t done anything wrong since. Seriously, it was like Lord of the Flies in snazzy business suits. The team leader (some blonde with weird eyebrows) selected Stacy and Blinky for sacking and Stacy got the sack after a depressing scene where all the other women lined up to question her mental health and blame her for disrupting the task, even though none of them could give any examples of actual disruptive behaviour. Um excuse me, Ms Bridal Shop Manager – do you have a psychiatry degree to go with your ugly white meringue dresses? If not then shut up! It is possible that Donald’s Fembot Aide disapproved of the sacking, though it was hard to tell given that she is about as demonstrative as an Auton. Actually Stacy is better off away from those heinous bitches – it will be interesting to see who they turn on next.

GUILTY SECRET: TOP GEAR

My name is Sarah. I recycle my newspapers, compost my leftover veg, and regularly threaten to vote Green every election if Labour don’t buck their ideas up. I have never passed my driving test and either walk or use public transport to get around London. I have even investigated installing a solar panel in my garden.

I love Top Gear.

Why? It's all about men driving cars around race tracks or around leafy Surrey lanes. Or men cooing over useless sports vehicles that come equipped with a personalised micro-climate, the equivalent of 15 stampeding elephants for an engine, and seats made from the skin of unborn baby marmosets. Then they argue about which is the most expensive, and consequently, the most useless.

The Tall Old One (Jeremy Clarkson) regularly challenges the Other Two - Richard Hammond (short but cute in a crazed hamster kind of way), and James May (I'd say he was dressed by his wife but it says here he’s single…)- to travel to, say, Oslo using public transport while he drives overland from Guildford in a 60 squillion pound Mercedes supercar.

Jeremy wins – usually because the other two can’t read a bus timetable or think that flogging the guts out of a powerboat in inclement weather is a good idea. Mind you, I have never seen a face as green as Hammond's as he leaned over the side of the boat and was sick at 70 knots. That’s an awful lot of slightly pissed-off herring.

Given that the Other Two’s strategy was so daft, Clarko could probably have won it in a 15-year-old Volvo and used the money saved to pay off the national debt of Burkina Faso or something.

But that’s not really the point.

The point is that this team knows that what they do is wasteful, profligate and irresponsible, and they quite sincerely don’t care. A proper motoring programme, as Top Gear used to be, discusses sensible family cars, fuel efficiency, safety features and so on, while driving gently around Surrey lanes to demonstrate the car’s handling. That’s what the manufacturers like to see. You’re asleep already, aren’t you? I'ts not that they ignore the family car, but they get their mums to do all that stuff.

By appealing to our inner petrolhead, Top Gear has hit on a winner. Take three scruffy presenters old enough to know better, who know even Kofi Annan would probably give up saving the world to spend the rest of his days playing tiddlywinks with old Volvos; a bunch of cars that nobody could ever afford even if they auctioned their entire family on eBay; a minor celebrity racing a family car; ban being sensible, and there you have it. Perfect Sunday veg-out TV.

And our 2001 Polo doesn’t even make it into the Seriously Uncool list.

TV of yesteryear

Does anyone remember “The Omega Factor”? This is a TV show I remember watching when I was a kid but which no-one else I know seems to have seen. It sounds like a belated sequel to the Krypton Factor but actually starred Louise Jameson (aka Leela from Dr Who or That Stripy Haired Bitch Rosa from Eastenders) and was a supernatural conspiracy drama that reminds me a lot of the X Files. Every week, Leela and some bloke would investigate weird psychic phenomena and be thwarted at every turn by a shadowy secret organisation called the Omega something or other. You could tell when people where in the Omega Organisation because they wore a huge bad taste 70s signet ring with the greek letter “omega” on it. Subtle. I think the Omega dudes were trying to recruit psychics to take over the world and would kill anyone who got in the way (except the protagonists of course). Spooky or what? Maybe they were trying to ride on the success of “Sapphire and Steel” but it only lasted one series as far as I know. Like the X Files, the show was spooky and atmospheric and like the X Files it made very little sense and they had no idea how to tie everything up when it finished. Unlike the X Files, Leela never had her ovaries stolen by aliens and then replaced so she could have a magic psychic baby or whatever. I never worked out what that was all about. I can’t remember any of the Omega Factor plots but it made quite a strong impression on me at the time.

No-one I have ever mentioned it to has ever remembers the programme, but of course there is stuff about it on teh interweb. It has even come out on DVD. Whilst googling, I discovered that it was transmitted in 1979 on the beeb, the main bloke was played by James Hazeldine (who???) and that his character had psychic powers. There are episode guides on the internet but they are pretty lame and just say things like "When and old friend dies, Tom discovers more than he bargained for." Jesus, that could be an episode of Emmerdale. They mention one about a telekinetic kid that I vaguely rememeber - he would bust shit up at school in a Carrie stylee and Tom and Leela tried to investigate but in the end the kid was driven away by a "social worker" who turned out to be wearing an Omega ring. Dun dun dunhhh!!! . It is weird that this show had such a hold on my junior self when I can remember next to nothing about it except that it was a bit rubbish.

MELROSE PLACE UPDATE
I haven’t been blogging much lately because there is nothing good on telly at the moment! Boo! I am still hooked on Melrose though and it has been all go since I started those character guides! Jo has had her baby stolen AGAIN – yes, that’s the second time in less than a month. Having your baby stolen once is unfortunate but twice makes it look like you are really thick, Jo! She did redeem herself in my eyes, however, by giving Dr Kimberly a good smack in the face. Jo tracked down the evil baby-napping grandparents with the help of Jake, who provided support and the use of his penis as required. In the end, the evil grandparents shot Jo with a rifle and it all ended up back in court. Jo decided to give the baby up for adoption, which is as good a way as any of the writers admitting that they have totally written themselves into a corner.

Pathetic drunk Alison went into rehab and met a hunky, mad eyed football star who turned out to be a sex addict. Oh, of course he did. Alison, being stupid and annoying, immediately started shagging him. It all ended in tears when Alison caught him in bed with some floozy the same day he proposed to her. I have no sympathy when it comes to Alison. She has now been promoted to President of D&D Advertising while brave Amanda is off work with her tragic cancer heartbreak and has hired Charlotte from Sex and the City as her assistant. Charlotte is a “special guest star” so I look forward to whatever crazy ass plots she is given. Billy gave Alison a special trapper keeper to congratulate her, but Alison didn’t care because whoever becomes head of D&D instantly turns into a heartless bitch.

Sydney and Jane had a quiet couple of weeks after the Creepy Australian shenanigans. Sydney recently rented out her spare room to porn star Traci Lords, whose line readings suggest that English is not her first language. Traci lured Sydney into joining a creepy sex cult in the middle of the desert and when Syd tried to escape they locked her in a box! In the end she was rescued by Jane and Jake. I think Jake shagged Jane too – basically any time he gives someone a lift he ends up sleeping with them.

Matt had to give Dr Kimberley a psychiatric evaluation and discovered she was crazy. Like, duh!! When he wouldn’t change the report, she had him beaten up by rent-a-homophobes and then snuck into his office and changed “Kimberley is mental” to “Kimberley is lovely!” The policeman who investigated the gay bashing turned out to be gay himself, but was also a creepy, suspect beating stalker with terrible hair. Will Matt ever be lucky in love?

Amanda’s creepy lurver Dr Peter became the owner of D&D Advertising and put her in charge for about two episodes. He hired a foxy “efficiency expert” to investigate the company but – gasp! It turns out they were in cahoots and shagging each other! Peter arranged for Amanda to take pills he had secretly laced with monkey crack so she would fail a drug test, he could sack her and then put Ms Efficiency Expert in charge instead. Amanda said she could prove that her fed her the crack so he injected her with, um something and planned to kill her on the operating table – or rather get Dr Michael to do it for him. Even Dr Michael wasn’t that evil though, so he had fisticuffs with Dr Peter and got him arrested. About a week later, Amanda discovered she has lymphoma - it's just one thing after another when you're a high powered business woman - and now Dr Michael is treating her. She is the healthiest looking cancer patient in the history of the world. De Michael says he has fallen in love with her and is plotting one of his madcap schemes behind Kimberley’s back. Yes Dr Michael, it really is a great idea to cheat on someone who has already run you over once.

24 Great 24 Moments

Sod Big Brother. 24 is The Best Show On TV. It's got everything you could want from an American action show: great characters, genuinely shocking plot twists, a jaw-droppingly laissez-faire attitude to who lives and who dies (compare that to something like Alias where only the bad guys get killed off and most of the annoying cast are still around), a surprisingly high level of criticism of Bush-era politics (you often find yourself siding with the terrorists' point-of-view), and more torture and violence per episode than you could find in an entire season of Schwarzengger movies. It's also brilliantly directed and incredibly suspenseful - I invariably find myself holding my breath for the last 15 minutes of every show. So if you haven't seen it, DO - season 1 is currently being repeated on BBC1 and season 4 finishes on Sunday with a double epsiode on Sky.

SPOILERS FOR ALL SEASONS FOLLOW

24 Great 24 Moments

1) Jack coming BACK FROM THE FREAKING DEAD in season 2. Death is for wimps.
2) Chloe turning Action Heroine in season 4. It's like she was born to shoot.
3) Kimmeh vs The Mountain Lion (season 2)
4) Michelle kicking ass in the infected hotel (season 3).
5) Tony unexpectedly showing up and rescuing Jack and Audrey in season 4.
6) Kimmeh changing into a skimpy top in front of the Environmentalist (season 2).
7) Jack killing his boss -Chapelle- because the bad guys told him to. (Living the American Dream). (Season 3).
8) Evil Marie shooting Reza (her fiancé) in season 2.
9) Jack torturing Audrey's husband, then letting him die after he'd saved Jack's life, then threatening to torture her brother just two hours later (season 4).
10) Jack cutting off a drug-dealer's head to prove his bad-ass credentials when going undercover. (Season 2)
11) Jack pulling the trigger on Chase to prove himself to the Salazars (and not apologising afterwards). (Season 3).
12) Jack avoiding a nuclear blast by hiding behind a rock (season 2).
13) Radioactive Mason going out like a man. (Season 2).
14) Kimmeh's season 2 boyfriend losing a leg.
15) Kimmeh's season 3 boyfriend losing an arm.
16) Kimmeh running across the road like a mentalist (season 2).
17) Alan Yorke / Sheri Palmer / Marie / Nina / etc turning out to be EVIL (all seasons).
18) Jack on smack. (Season 3).
19) The amazing number of 'comebacks' in season 4 (5 to date).
20) Mandy the Terrorista. Just generally.
21) Jack shouting "DAMMIT!" whenever something goes wrong.
22) Jack holding up a liquor store just to buy some time (season 4).
23) Anytime Jack says, "No! That's not the right play!"
24) Tony getting shot in the neck and then walking it off.