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BIG BROTHER: AN APOLOGY
I just wanted to apologise for the lack of BB-related blog entries. For my part it's because every single housemate is so brain-crunchingly, mind-numbingly, teeth-rattling-er-ly AWFUL, they render me completely speechless. Look, I even used italics there, and I never do that. That's how bad they are. Every night. Without fail. Once I get over my white-hot loathing of Craig, Vanessa, Maxie et al, I might find the words to express something resembling my feelings for these handmaidens of Beelzebub (and Derek).

Derek, Roberto and Sam are up for the vote, by the way.

ISLAND OF FAME HOs
The contestants may be awful, but BB is still too compelling to drag me away from C4. Though my Fame Ho-watching friends tell me that Manchild Paul got a blow job off Pneumatic Blonde that took precisely two minutes 48 seconds. Then last night he dumped her. Fran Cosgrave is making a play for Jayne Middlemiss (now, never in a million years would you have thought of that one. Bet the Atomic Kitten's got a face like a cat's arse every time she sees them canoodling). It's still well on between Abi Titmost and Lee Sharpe, but Calum Best has been sent packing. Manchild has decided that he has got feelings for Lady Thicko after all, and has dumped the Pneumatic Blonde in the place where they first consummated their passion. The toilet. Class, eh?

THE BILL: MISSY'S MISDEMEANOR
I watch the Bill sometimes but don't follow it and don't really know who everyone is in it - still, the gentle readers of Easties Blogspot have often asked us to write about it so here we go...

Firstly, it is amusing that so many of the cast are recognisable from other TV programmes – there’s the smarmy black lawyer from This Life! There’s the bitch accountant lady from Attachments (now her hair looks fabulous though!), there’s the main doctor bloke from Cardiac Arrest! There’s that asian lady who was a surgeon in Holby Shitty! There’s Irene from EE! hurrah! Since I last watched, half of S Club 7 also appeared to have joined the Met (ie a number of blandly attractive young people - though sadly they do not break into song and dance). There ain’t no crime wave like a S Club crime wave! They are called things like Honey! Amber! Leela! – is this a police station or a Maxim photo shoot?

Amber, Leela and a blonde bloke with bad highlights are in trouble as Highlights arrested a felon and later lied and said he had a knife. Amber, who seems to be something of a little minx, says she will back him up as long as he does her homework for her for the rest for the week (or something). Presumably this is the same as perjury and therefore a Bad Thing. They are just about to enter their false reports when Leela (who seems to be the Sensible One) guesses what is up and tells them not to be so stoopid. Amber and Highlights both have to admit that they told porkies, get a telling off and are told that their careers are on the line – I get the feeling that people’s careers are on the line in every single episode ever. Another S Clubber, Honey (presumably she joined the police as they wouldn’t let her join Bond Girl Academy) is also in trouble as she accidentally married a murderer/rapist. Easy mistake to make, I suppose. Now he has been arrested and she is being interviewed by Internal Affairs, or whatever they are called in England. Personally I wouldn’t be that surprised if someone called “Honey” did something incredibly stupid, but maybe that’s just me…

Inspector Irene has got cancer apparently, though like people on TV all over the world, she would rather come to work when she has a LIFE THREATENING DISEASE than skive off and watch daytime TV. Mental. The only one who knows is Smiffy, but soon Amber guesses when she catches Irene vomiting and shedding all her hair in the ladies loo (not really re the hair). Amber accidentally lets slip to the camp desk clerk bloke and he organises a whip round and buys Irene a big bunch of flowers, even though – GASP - Irene doesn’t want anyone to know! Irene would have been glad to receive flowers when she lived in Walford. Even if it was from her jailbait lover Troy and she was worried that Terry might find out. More telling off for Amber.

I don’t know the names of any of the plain clothes detectives! This episode focuses on the tall bloke who (a) has a hot younger S Club brother and (b) looks a bit like a footballer (don’t ask me why, he just does). This week he is partnered with the attractive East Asian Lady detective. DS Attachments and DS Cardiac Arrest are in it a bit but it is mainly the first two and they actually spend the episode Fighting Crime rather than having convoluted personal issues…

It all starts off when some of the S Clubbers break up a catfight between a wife and a mistress in a swanky restaurant. You can’t go wrong with a catfight and the two actresses really enter into the spirit of it. Errant Husband also shows up and there is more screaming and fisticuffs. Next day the Errant Husband comes to the nick and says he was being blackmailed re the affair and that he may as well tell the cops now that his wife knows anyway. The detectives all have some lame “battle of the sexes” banter about what men and women expect from relationships and some bits where the East Asian Lady detective has to prove herself as a woman in a mans world. Boring. They arrange an undercover operation at the money drop place (a bin in a nice little park by the river – I wonder where that is?) but only manage to catch a smarmy yuppy, who was dropping off money as he was also being blackmailed for consorting with hookers. The plot! It has thickened!

There is a half-arsed red herring moment (they think it was the mistress for about three minutes) but the brilliant detectives soon discover that both Smarmy Yuppy and Errant Husband used the same hotel for their filthy fornicating and decide the blackmailer must be one of the hotel staff – eventually they catch a doorman at the money drop and arrest him. He has a note book of customers and their blackmailable features – hookers! rent boys! likes Celine Dion! etc and says “It’s a fair cop guv, you’ve got me bang to rights!” However, there’s more - gasp! – it turns out that Smarmy Yuppy wasn’t just whoremongering but was also insider trading. DS Footballer and DS East Asian Lady go round to arrest him and the stupid yuppy tries to flee with his laptop. Way to act innocent, thicko. Footballer chases him but EAL goes round the back, roughly tackles him to the ground and confiscates his laptop (which is really clunky and old fashioned looking btw – no wonder he was disgruntled at work if they gave him a piece of shit like that). Well done nameless detectives!

PC Yvonne (aka Missy Elliot) is also – you guessed it - in trouble. Why can’t anything nice happen to the Sun hill police, like they find a basket of adorable kittens abandoned on the station steps? Previously on The Bill, a felon was choking her to death so she hit him round the head and now he’s in a coma. Doh. If you ask me I think it must be karmic revenge for that awful cover version of Carwash with Xtina Haguilera. PC Missy seems to be going out with a hunky doctor at the hospital but he doesn’t seem so keen now that he knows she can (spoiler) kill a man with a single blow.

Felon is rushed to hospital and PC Missy and that older bloke who has been in it forever (Tony?) are also interviewed by Internal Affairs. PC Missy explains how the felon had her in a headlock so she “worked it” a bit too much and hit him in the face with her asp. ASP?? The police are issued with snakes now? Only joking – I assume it is the stupid name for their retractable bendy truncheon things. It probably stands for “Acrylic Stretchable Punch-o-matic” or some such. Tony is also interviewed and lets slip that Felon had done something earlier in the day that made Missy angry – maybe he made fun of that Gap ad with Madonna? Suddenly Internal Affairs think she had a Reason to get busy with the bludgeon and start rubbing their hands gleefully. Everyone is angry with each other about this and there is drama etc.

Missy changes into some horrible “George of Asda” casual wear and goes back to the hospital, perhaps hoping to get hr freak on with the fit doctor. He is called away by a plot device (ie pager) and Missy thinks it might be a good idea to chat to Felon’s anxious mum. Surprisingly it is not, the mum starts shouting at her and Missy has ANGST. Later on we find out that the felon has actually died. Ruh roh. That Carwash single was bad but it wasn’t that bad - maybe they are taking Moulin Rouge/Lady Marmalardy and that weak Ciara collaboration into account too!

Sleb Love Island

Tuned into this (at FF's insistence) last night, and that Du'aine bloke and Beppay seem to have gone, but Atomic Kitten and Paul Manchild are still there. How does this voting thing work again? The atmosphere is one of a Club Med luxury break that time forgot. A new pneumatic starlet has been bussed in to shake up the girls, and Paul Manchild has dumped poor Lady Thicko quicker than Marmite-smeared butter knife. Manchild and Lady Thicko were sent (kicking and screaming - literally) to a deserted outpost and told to build a raft, then take it back down and build a shelter for the night. Lady Thicko was last seen scanning the horizon for a passing hungry shark to throw herself at.

Poor old Jayne seems to have pulled herself together, and is enjoying the shenanigens between Rebecca and Calum (Bestie seems to be getting bored - the man has the attention span of a memory-challenged goldfish - and why did nobody tell him that his dad got beaten up by his latest girlfriend?), Paul/Lady Thicko/Pneumatic Starlet (she's called Nikki and she was Third Blonde from the Left in American Pie or something like that), and Lee and Abi. This shouldn't come as a suprise really. She's had Lee in her sights since the first night. Anyway, Lee got sent to the Fuck Hut with Nikki Starlet, who started whiffling on about herself all day and would have gone on all night if she hadn't downed half a glass of wine and gone to bed at 8pm. This kind of behaviour makes even me and Mr P look like hardcore ravers, with our tea and ironing while watching Bad Girls. Lee broke out to go and shout footballery endearments at Abi, who as a trained nurse can probably drink him under the table, administer CPR and carry him home without breaking a nail. See? Made for each other.

Big Brother
They're all up for the eviction vote, thanks to my girl Vanessa and her desperate placating of Big Lesluh - not surprised, those breast look like they could do some damage in the wrong hands. So Vote Sam! No, vote Saskia! No, Maxie...ummm...

MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 5: DR MICHAEL AND DR KIMBERLEY

Both the main doctor characters on the show are psychopaths – issues much, writing staff? They are also my favourite characters and provide the most laffs – issues much, me? Dr Kimberley is played by the fantastic Marcia Cross (aka Bree from Desperate Housewives). She does not appear to have aged in ten years – the only difference in their appearance is that Bree has flat rigid red hair and Kimberley has big wavy brown hair. Kimberly is a successful doctor despite the fact that she is clearly as mad as a box of snakes. It is hard to tell what kind of doctor she is – one week she’s a surgeon, the next she’s an Ob/Gyn, then she’s on the “Social Services Committee” – whatever moves the plot along. Dr Kimberley is the best soap psycho ever! In the few weeks I have been watching, Kimberley tried to murder Dr Michael in a hit and run accident and framed Sydney for the crime. Dr M was knocked out and had amnesia so Dr K told him that they used to be a couple before his accident and made him sit at home and be a house husband and cook her tea etc. Dr M got his memory back (while they were doing it, of course) but it turned out that he didn’t mind that she had tried to kill him and fuck with his head. I think they’re married now. Dr Kimberley has also threatened Matt with death, discovered she is barren and stolen Jo’s baby. Not bad for someone who isn’t even in the main credits.

Evil mastermind Dr Michael is Jane’s estranged husband and has also shagged her sister Sydney. He is not a mentalist like Kimberley but more of a sneaky weasel. He is quite cute and has the least freakish hair of all the men on the show. (The men rated in order of shaggability: first Jake, second Michael, third Any other man in the world ever, last Billy) Michael has thwarted plots to get hold of his 50% shares in Mancini Designs (the way people go on about those shares, you’d think they carried the secret of immortality. They don’t! They give you part ownership of a design company run by a woman who dresses like a clown!) and ended up sleeping with Jane recently when they all raced to Vegas to rescue Sydney from the mad australian. He is beginning to realise that Kimberley is actually insane and trying to get back together with Jane properly. When Kimberley found out she said that the only reason she didn’t instantly stab him in the neck is that she was too tired after mothering Jo’s baby all day. I’m sure their relationship has a great future. At one point it looked like Dr Michael was going to Do The Right Thing when he discovered that Kimberley’s baby had not, actually, been “bought on the black market” as she said but had been stolen from Jo. It turned out he was only pretending to be nice to wind up Jo. What a little tinker! He only gave the baby back after Dr Peter found out and threatened to fire him. I was hoping that Kimberley would do something really insane when she found out the baby was gone - perhaps involving a flock of trained raptors or a poisoned rose bush or something - instead she just screamed and tried to drown herself. Boring.

The wacky doctors currently have an arch nemesis in the shape of “hunky” Dr Peter, who has the most outstanding Darth Vader shaped hair helmut and who is gunning for them at the hospital. He has already sacked Dr Michael once (people are always getting sacked then getting their jobs back later the same episode) – but frankly these two could eat him for breakfast. Literally and figuratively. Michael spied on Dr Peter for Amanda but then used all the blackmail information himself to get extra cash and invitations to play golf. (That makes it Michael: 2 Amanda: 0) Note that Dr Peter is making enemies of the three most vengeful, scheming characters on the whole show – death wish or what?