NO KELLEY, YOU’RE THE NEXT FASHION VICTIM

Hurrah, Project Catwalk is back, this time with Kelley Osbourne replacing wooden Liz Hurley as the hostess – she is lots better than the Joan Collins de nos generation but still has to cope with the dreadfully stilted scripted bits, oh well.

It’s a reality show for fashion designers where each week they have a task (ie make a stylish dress for Tara Palmerama Tompkinson out of office supplies!) and the worst one gets the boot. The last three have to go away for six months and then come back with a proper collection for the final. The mentor is still Ben De Lisi. I saw some of his fancy frocks in the paper during London Fashion Week so he must be properly famous! His mentoring style involves flapping round telling everyone they are doomed and rubbish and then having a queeny fit when they ignore him. A colleague of my boyfriend was chatted up by Ben in a narsty gay bar in soho the other day. Apparently he (Ben that is) was off his tits…

The judges are (1) a hard faced lady from Grazia (a mag which does not exactly scream “FASHION!!” to me – more like “How to copy Teri Hatcher’s style whilst shopping exclusively at New Look and H&M”) and (2) baleful orange welsh goblin Julian MacDonald. Julian is rocking a dreadful Farrah style perm this series and still amuses us by saying things like “That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen in my life” and “What a load of crap!” to contestants faces.

The competitors have been whittled down and now we have left

1) Giles: A spiteful queen who acts like a David Walliams character all the time and appears to do all his shopping at Burton. My fave moment of the series so far was the look on his face when everyone said he was the worst designer. I hope he loses soon.
2) Wayne: Another gay – this time a fetish club host (ie has to dress up like member of Sigue Sigue Sputnik and say “You’re not coming in dressed like that” for a living). He would be quite handsome apart from his retarded clothes/hair but sadly has a rotten brummy accent. Possible final three but has a tendency to make outfits that are more like costumes than clothes, apparently.
3) Shawla: A girl with a severe fringe who thinks she is the best at everything when she patently isn’t – ie one outfit made the recipient look like a council estate midget, in Julian MacDonald’s professional opinion. What is worse she keeps going on about how awesome she is too. Get evicted soon pls thks.
4) Luke: A cute young black guy with a big afro. Is quite likeable and enthusiastic but is also about twelve years old and not very experienced. I always think he is going to be evicted due to his youthful inexperience and poor time management skillz but then he won last week so I hope he gets to the final three…
5) Monica: A dour Australian girl with a severe bob. Is quite moany and negative but seems to be one of the most talented and skilled and is kind of no nonsense. Dour Australian girl to win!

MASTERCHEF GOES LARGE DRINKING GAME

If you want to guarantee that you’re pissed before 7pm, take a drink whenever…

Anyone says they “have a passion for food”
Anyone is asked whether “they’ve got what it takes to win Masterchef”
Anyone is asked/explains why they want to “change their life”
Anyone says “plate of food”
Any time the competition “just gets tougher”

MYSTERY INGREDIENT CHALLENGE
Any time someone uses every single ingredient in their dish
Any time someone makes something piss easy like cheese on toast or pasta with bits in it.

PROFESSIONAL KITCHEN CHALLENGE
Any time the proper chef asks how long a dish is going to be, the competitor says “Three minutes, chef!” and the proper chef says “Well, you haven’t got three minutes!”
Any time a competitor has to chuck it away and start again from scratch

FINAL COOKING TEST
Any time someone makes something really rank (radish broth??? vom!!!)
Any time a judge refers to “big flavours”
Any time the best looking (male or female) contestant gets through to the next stage

FRIDAY FINAL MYSTERY INGREDIENT TEST
Any time someone gets their fancy flavoured vinegars mixed up