Wednesday, June 29, 2005

TV of yesteryear

Does anyone remember “The Omega Factor”? This is a TV show I remember watching when I was a kid but which no-one else I know seems to have seen. It sounds like a belated sequel to the Krypton Factor but actually starred Louise Jameson (aka Leela from Dr Who or That Stripy Haired Bitch Rosa from Eastenders) and was a supernatural conspiracy drama that reminds me a lot of the X Files. Every week, Leela and some bloke would investigate weird psychic phenomena and be thwarted at every turn by a shadowy secret organisation called the Omega something or other. You could tell when people where in the Omega Organisation because they wore a huge bad taste 70s signet ring with the greek letter “omega” on it. Subtle. I think the Omega dudes were trying to recruit psychics to take over the world and would kill anyone who got in the way (except the protagonists of course). Spooky or what? Maybe they were trying to ride on the success of “Sapphire and Steel” but it only lasted one series as far as I know. Like the X Files, the show was spooky and atmospheric and like the X Files it made very little sense and they had no idea how to tie everything up when it finished. Unlike the X Files, Leela never had her ovaries stolen by aliens and then replaced so she could have a magic psychic baby or whatever. I never worked out what that was all about. I can’t remember any of the Omega Factor plots but it made quite a strong impression on me at the time.

No-one I have ever mentioned it to has ever remembers the programme, but of course there is stuff about it on teh interweb. It has even come out on DVD. Whilst googling, I discovered that it was transmitted in 1979 on the beeb, the main bloke was played by James Hazeldine (who???) and that his character had psychic powers. There are episode guides on the internet but they are pretty lame and just say things like "When and old friend dies, Tom discovers more than he bargained for." Jesus, that could be an episode of Emmerdale. They mention one about a telekinetic kid that I vaguely rememeber - he would bust shit up at school in a Carrie stylee and Tom and Leela tried to investigate but in the end the kid was driven away by a "social worker" who turned out to be wearing an Omega ring. Dun dun dunhhh!!! . It is weird that this show had such a hold on my junior self when I can remember next to nothing about it except that it was a bit rubbish.

MELROSE PLACE UPDATE
I haven’t been blogging much lately because there is nothing good on telly at the moment! Boo! I am still hooked on Melrose though and it has been all go since I started those character guides! Jo has had her baby stolen AGAIN – yes, that’s the second time in less than a month. Having your baby stolen once is unfortunate but twice makes it look like you are really thick, Jo! She did redeem herself in my eyes, however, by giving Dr Kimberly a good smack in the face. Jo tracked down the evil baby-napping grandparents with the help of Jake, who provided support and the use of his penis as required. In the end, the evil grandparents shot Jo with a rifle and it all ended up back in court. Jo decided to give the baby up for adoption, which is as good a way as any of the writers admitting that they have totally written themselves into a corner.

Pathetic drunk Alison went into rehab and met a hunky, mad eyed football star who turned out to be a sex addict. Oh, of course he did. Alison, being stupid and annoying, immediately started shagging him. It all ended in tears when Alison caught him in bed with some floozy the same day he proposed to her. I have no sympathy when it comes to Alison. She has now been promoted to President of D&D Advertising while brave Amanda is off work with her tragic cancer heartbreak and has hired Charlotte from Sex and the City as her assistant. Charlotte is a “special guest star” so I look forward to whatever crazy ass plots she is given. Billy gave Alison a special trapper keeper to congratulate her, but Alison didn’t care because whoever becomes head of D&D instantly turns into a heartless bitch.

Sydney and Jane had a quiet couple of weeks after the Creepy Australian shenanigans. Sydney recently rented out her spare room to porn star Traci Lords, whose line readings suggest that English is not her first language. Traci lured Sydney into joining a creepy sex cult in the middle of the desert and when Syd tried to escape they locked her in a box! In the end she was rescued by Jane and Jake. I think Jake shagged Jane too – basically any time he gives someone a lift he ends up sleeping with them.

Matt had to give Dr Kimberley a psychiatric evaluation and discovered she was crazy. Like, duh!! When he wouldn’t change the report, she had him beaten up by rent-a-homophobes and then snuck into his office and changed “Kimberley is mental” to “Kimberley is lovely!” The policeman who investigated the gay bashing turned out to be gay himself, but was also a creepy, suspect beating stalker with terrible hair. Will Matt ever be lucky in love?

Amanda’s creepy lurver Dr Peter became the owner of D&D Advertising and put her in charge for about two episodes. He hired a foxy “efficiency expert” to investigate the company but – gasp! It turns out they were in cahoots and shagging each other! Peter arranged for Amanda to take pills he had secretly laced with monkey crack so she would fail a drug test, he could sack her and then put Ms Efficiency Expert in charge instead. Amanda said she could prove that her fed her the crack so he injected her with, um something and planned to kill her on the operating table – or rather get Dr Michael to do it for him. Even Dr Michael wasn’t that evil though, so he had fisticuffs with Dr Peter and got him arrested. About a week later, Amanda discovered she has lymphoma - it's just one thing after another when you're a high powered business woman - and now Dr Michael is treating her. She is the healthiest looking cancer patient in the history of the world. De Michael says he has fallen in love with her and is plotting one of his madcap schemes behind Kimberley’s back. Yes Dr Michael, it really is a great idea to cheat on someone who has already run you over once.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

24 Great 24 Moments

Sod Big Brother. 24 is The Best Show On TV. It's got everything you could want from an American action show: great characters, genuinely shocking plot twists, a jaw-droppingly laissez-faire attitude to who lives and who dies (compare that to something like Alias where only the bad guys get killed off and most of the annoying cast are still around), a surprisingly high level of criticism of Bush-era politics (you often find yourself siding with the terrorists' point-of-view), and more torture and violence per episode than you could find in an entire season of Schwarzengger movies. It's also brilliantly directed and incredibly suspenseful - I invariably find myself holding my breath for the last 15 minutes of every show. So if you haven't seen it, DO - season 1 is currently being repeated on BBC1 and season 4 finishes on Sunday with a double epsiode on Sky.

SPOILERS FOR ALL SEASONS FOLLOW

24 Great 24 Moments

1) Jack coming BACK FROM THE FREAKING DEAD in season 2. Death is for wimps.
2) Chloe turning Action Heroine in season 4. It's like she was born to shoot.
3) Kimmeh vs The Mountain Lion (season 2)
4) Michelle kicking ass in the infected hotel (season 3).
5) Tony unexpectedly showing up and rescuing Jack and Audrey in season 4.
6) Kimmeh changing into a skimpy top in front of the Environmentalist (season 2).
7) Jack killing his boss -Chapelle- because the bad guys told him to. (Living the American Dream). (Season 3).
8) Evil Marie shooting Reza (her fiancé) in season 2.
9) Jack torturing Audrey's husband, then letting him die after he'd saved Jack's life, then threatening to torture her brother just two hours later (season 4).
10) Jack cutting off a drug-dealer's head to prove his bad-ass credentials when going undercover. (Season 2)
11) Jack pulling the trigger on Chase to prove himself to the Salazars (and not apologising afterwards). (Season 3).
12) Jack avoiding a nuclear blast by hiding behind a rock (season 2).
13) Radioactive Mason going out like a man. (Season 2).
14) Kimmeh's season 2 boyfriend losing a leg.
15) Kimmeh's season 3 boyfriend losing an arm.
16) Kimmeh running across the road like a mentalist (season 2).
17) Alan Yorke / Sheri Palmer / Marie / Nina / etc turning out to be EVIL (all seasons).
18) Jack on smack. (Season 3).
19) The amazing number of 'comebacks' in season 4 (5 to date).
20) Mandy the Terrorista. Just generally.
21) Jack shouting "DAMMIT!" whenever something goes wrong.
22) Jack holding up a liquor store just to buy some time (season 4).
23) Anytime Jack says, "No! That's not the right play!"
24) Tony getting shot in the neck and then walking it off.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Boring Service Announcement

Some people were having trouble with the comments, so I have added new improved Haloscan comments, like we use on Easties Updates

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

BIG BROTHER: AN APOLOGY
I just wanted to apologise for the lack of BB-related blog entries. For my part it's because every single housemate is so brain-crunchingly, mind-numbingly, teeth-rattling-er-ly AWFUL, they render me completely speechless. Look, I even used italics there, and I never do that. That's how bad they are. Every night. Without fail. Once I get over my white-hot loathing of Craig, Vanessa, Maxie et al, I might find the words to express something resembling my feelings for these handmaidens of Beelzebub (and Derek).

Derek, Roberto and Sam are up for the vote, by the way.

ISLAND OF FAME HOs
The contestants may be awful, but BB is still too compelling to drag me away from C4. Though my Fame Ho-watching friends tell me that Manchild Paul got a blow job off Pneumatic Blonde that took precisely two minutes 48 seconds. Then last night he dumped her. Fran Cosgrave is making a play for Jayne Middlemiss (now, never in a million years would you have thought of that one. Bet the Atomic Kitten's got a face like a cat's arse every time she sees them canoodling). It's still well on between Abi Titmost and Lee Sharpe, but Calum Best has been sent packing. Manchild has decided that he has got feelings for Lady Thicko after all, and has dumped the Pneumatic Blonde in the place where they first consummated their passion. The toilet. Class, eh?

Friday, June 10, 2005

THE BILL: MISSY'S MISDEMEANOR
I watch the Bill sometimes but don't follow it and don't really know who everyone is in it - still, the gentle readers of Easties Blogspot have often asked us to write about it so here we go...

Firstly, it is amusing that so many of the cast are recognisable from other TV programmes – there’s the smarmy black lawyer from This Life! There’s the bitch accountant lady from Attachments (now her hair looks fabulous though!), there’s the main doctor bloke from Cardiac Arrest! There’s that asian lady who was a surgeon in Holby Shitty! There’s Irene from EE! hurrah! Since I last watched, half of S Club 7 also appeared to have joined the Met (ie a number of blandly attractive young people - though sadly they do not break into song and dance). There ain’t no crime wave like a S Club crime wave! They are called things like Honey! Amber! Leela! – is this a police station or a Maxim photo shoot?

Amber, Leela and a blonde bloke with bad highlights are in trouble as Highlights arrested a felon and later lied and said he had a knife. Amber, who seems to be something of a little minx, says she will back him up as long as he does her homework for her for the rest for the week (or something). Presumably this is the same as perjury and therefore a Bad Thing. They are just about to enter their false reports when Leela (who seems to be the Sensible One) guesses what is up and tells them not to be so stoopid. Amber and Highlights both have to admit that they told porkies, get a telling off and are told that their careers are on the line – I get the feeling that people’s careers are on the line in every single episode ever. Another S Clubber, Honey (presumably she joined the police as they wouldn’t let her join Bond Girl Academy) is also in trouble as she accidentally married a murderer/rapist. Easy mistake to make, I suppose. Now he has been arrested and she is being interviewed by Internal Affairs, or whatever they are called in England. Personally I wouldn’t be that surprised if someone called “Honey” did something incredibly stupid, but maybe that’s just me…

Inspector Irene has got cancer apparently, though like people on TV all over the world, she would rather come to work when she has a LIFE THREATENING DISEASE than skive off and watch daytime TV. Mental. The only one who knows is Smiffy, but soon Amber guesses when she catches Irene vomiting and shedding all her hair in the ladies loo (not really re the hair). Amber accidentally lets slip to the camp desk clerk bloke and he organises a whip round and buys Irene a big bunch of flowers, even though – GASP - Irene doesn’t want anyone to know! Irene would have been glad to receive flowers when she lived in Walford. Even if it was from her jailbait lover Troy and she was worried that Terry might find out. More telling off for Amber.

I don’t know the names of any of the plain clothes detectives! This episode focuses on the tall bloke who (a) has a hot younger S Club brother and (b) looks a bit like a footballer (don’t ask me why, he just does). This week he is partnered with the attractive East Asian Lady detective. DS Attachments and DS Cardiac Arrest are in it a bit but it is mainly the first two and they actually spend the episode Fighting Crime rather than having convoluted personal issues…

It all starts off when some of the S Clubbers break up a catfight between a wife and a mistress in a swanky restaurant. You can’t go wrong with a catfight and the two actresses really enter into the spirit of it. Errant Husband also shows up and there is more screaming and fisticuffs. Next day the Errant Husband comes to the nick and says he was being blackmailed re the affair and that he may as well tell the cops now that his wife knows anyway. The detectives all have some lame “battle of the sexes” banter about what men and women expect from relationships and some bits where the East Asian Lady detective has to prove herself as a woman in a mans world. Boring. They arrange an undercover operation at the money drop place (a bin in a nice little park by the river – I wonder where that is?) but only manage to catch a smarmy yuppy, who was dropping off money as he was also being blackmailed for consorting with hookers. The plot! It has thickened!

There is a half-arsed red herring moment (they think it was the mistress for about three minutes) but the brilliant detectives soon discover that both Smarmy Yuppy and Errant Husband used the same hotel for their filthy fornicating and decide the blackmailer must be one of the hotel staff – eventually they catch a doorman at the money drop and arrest him. He has a note book of customers and their blackmailable features – hookers! rent boys! likes Celine Dion! etc and says “It’s a fair cop guv, you’ve got me bang to rights!” However, there’s more - gasp! – it turns out that Smarmy Yuppy wasn’t just whoremongering but was also insider trading. DS Footballer and DS East Asian Lady go round to arrest him and the stupid yuppy tries to flee with his laptop. Way to act innocent, thicko. Footballer chases him but EAL goes round the back, roughly tackles him to the ground and confiscates his laptop (which is really clunky and old fashioned looking btw – no wonder he was disgruntled at work if they gave him a piece of shit like that). Well done nameless detectives!

PC Yvonne (aka Missy Elliot) is also – you guessed it - in trouble. Why can’t anything nice happen to the Sun hill police, like they find a basket of adorable kittens abandoned on the station steps? Previously on The Bill, a felon was choking her to death so she hit him round the head and now he’s in a coma. Doh. If you ask me I think it must be karmic revenge for that awful cover version of Carwash with Xtina Haguilera. PC Missy seems to be going out with a hunky doctor at the hospital but he doesn’t seem so keen now that he knows she can (spoiler) kill a man with a single blow.

Felon is rushed to hospital and PC Missy and that older bloke who has been in it forever (Tony?) are also interviewed by Internal Affairs. PC Missy explains how the felon had her in a headlock so she “worked it” a bit too much and hit him in the face with her asp. ASP?? The police are issued with snakes now? Only joking – I assume it is the stupid name for their retractable bendy truncheon things. It probably stands for “Acrylic Stretchable Punch-o-matic” or some such. Tony is also interviewed and lets slip that Felon had done something earlier in the day that made Missy angry – maybe he made fun of that Gap ad with Madonna? Suddenly Internal Affairs think she had a Reason to get busy with the bludgeon and start rubbing their hands gleefully. Everyone is angry with each other about this and there is drama etc.

Missy changes into some horrible “George of Asda” casual wear and goes back to the hospital, perhaps hoping to get hr freak on with the fit doctor. He is called away by a plot device (ie pager) and Missy thinks it might be a good idea to chat to Felon’s anxious mum. Surprisingly it is not, the mum starts shouting at her and Missy has ANGST. Later on we find out that the felon has actually died. Ruh roh. That Carwash single was bad but it wasn’t that bad - maybe they are taking Moulin Rouge/Lady Marmalardy and that weak Ciara collaboration into account too!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Sleb Love Island

Tuned into this (at FF's insistence) last night, and that Du'aine bloke and Beppay seem to have gone, but Atomic Kitten and Paul Manchild are still there. How does this voting thing work again? The atmosphere is one of a Club Med luxury break that time forgot. A new pneumatic starlet has been bussed in to shake up the girls, and Paul Manchild has dumped poor Lady Thicko quicker than Marmite-smeared butter knife. Manchild and Lady Thicko were sent (kicking and screaming - literally) to a deserted outpost and told to build a raft, then take it back down and build a shelter for the night. Lady Thicko was last seen scanning the horizon for a passing hungry shark to throw herself at.

Poor old Jayne seems to have pulled herself together, and is enjoying the shenanigens between Rebecca and Calum (Bestie seems to be getting bored - the man has the attention span of a memory-challenged goldfish - and why did nobody tell him that his dad got beaten up by his latest girlfriend?), Paul/Lady Thicko/Pneumatic Starlet (she's called Nikki and she was Third Blonde from the Left in American Pie or something like that), and Lee and Abi. This shouldn't come as a suprise really. She's had Lee in her sights since the first night. Anyway, Lee got sent to the Fuck Hut with Nikki Starlet, who started whiffling on about herself all day and would have gone on all night if she hadn't downed half a glass of wine and gone to bed at 8pm. This kind of behaviour makes even me and Mr P look like hardcore ravers, with our tea and ironing while watching Bad Girls. Lee broke out to go and shout footballery endearments at Abi, who as a trained nurse can probably drink him under the table, administer CPR and carry him home without breaking a nail. See? Made for each other.

Big Brother
They're all up for the eviction vote, thanks to my girl Vanessa and her desperate placating of Big Lesluh - not surprised, those breast look like they could do some damage in the wrong hands. So Vote Sam! No, vote Saskia! No, Maxie...ummm...

Monday, June 06, 2005

MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 5: DR MICHAEL AND DR KIMBERLEY

Both the main doctor characters on the show are psychopaths – issues much, writing staff? They are also my favourite characters and provide the most laffs – issues much, me? Dr Kimberley is played by the fantastic Marcia Cross (aka Bree from Desperate Housewives). She does not appear to have aged in ten years – the only difference in their appearance is that Bree has flat rigid red hair and Kimberley has big wavy brown hair. Kimberly is a successful doctor despite the fact that she is clearly as mad as a box of snakes. It is hard to tell what kind of doctor she is – one week she’s a surgeon, the next she’s an Ob/Gyn, then she’s on the “Social Services Committee” – whatever moves the plot along. Dr Kimberley is the best soap psycho ever! In the few weeks I have been watching, Kimberley tried to murder Dr Michael in a hit and run accident and framed Sydney for the crime. Dr M was knocked out and had amnesia so Dr K told him that they used to be a couple before his accident and made him sit at home and be a house husband and cook her tea etc. Dr M got his memory back (while they were doing it, of course) but it turned out that he didn’t mind that she had tried to kill him and fuck with his head. I think they’re married now. Dr Kimberley has also threatened Matt with death, discovered she is barren and stolen Jo’s baby. Not bad for someone who isn’t even in the main credits.

Evil mastermind Dr Michael is Jane’s estranged husband and has also shagged her sister Sydney. He is not a mentalist like Kimberley but more of a sneaky weasel. He is quite cute and has the least freakish hair of all the men on the show. (The men rated in order of shaggability: first Jake, second Michael, third Any other man in the world ever, last Billy) Michael has thwarted plots to get hold of his 50% shares in Mancini Designs (the way people go on about those shares, you’d think they carried the secret of immortality. They don’t! They give you part ownership of a design company run by a woman who dresses like a clown!) and ended up sleeping with Jane recently when they all raced to Vegas to rescue Sydney from the mad australian. He is beginning to realise that Kimberley is actually insane and trying to get back together with Jane properly. When Kimberley found out she said that the only reason she didn’t instantly stab him in the neck is that she was too tired after mothering Jo’s baby all day. I’m sure their relationship has a great future. At one point it looked like Dr Michael was going to Do The Right Thing when he discovered that Kimberley’s baby had not, actually, been “bought on the black market” as she said but had been stolen from Jo. It turned out he was only pretending to be nice to wind up Jo. What a little tinker! He only gave the baby back after Dr Peter found out and threatened to fire him. I was hoping that Kimberley would do something really insane when she found out the baby was gone - perhaps involving a flock of trained raptors or a poisoned rose bush or something - instead she just screamed and tried to drown herself. Boring.

The wacky doctors currently have an arch nemesis in the shape of “hunky” Dr Peter, who has the most outstanding Darth Vader shaped hair helmut and who is gunning for them at the hospital. He has already sacked Dr Michael once (people are always getting sacked then getting their jobs back later the same episode) – but frankly these two could eat him for breakfast. Literally and figuratively. Michael spied on Dr Peter for Amanda but then used all the blackmail information himself to get extra cash and invitations to play golf. (That makes it Michael: 2 Amanda: 0) Note that Dr Peter is making enemies of the three most vengeful, scheming characters on the whole show – death wish or what?

TEAM BRITNEY
Well, they're thick, they're skanky and they like dressing up in school uniforms and kissing each other, according ot the BB website anyway. Lesleh, Vanessa and Craig are tired of being ignored by the cameras, so they've launched a full-on bitchfest trio called Team Britney. Craig tries so hard, bless him. But he has to wake up and realise that being slightly unpleasant and camp on national TV does not transform him from dull, spotty hairdresser to Graham Norton overnight.
So far we've had Craig's slightly desperate (and appallingly successful) impersonation of Britney Spears, Vanessa and Lesleh's boob talk, and now the girls are getting it ON.

I blame the rise of middle shelf semi-porn mags for this idea that lesbian sex is somehow something that women do to arouse men. In my (albeit limited) experience, the sight of two women twiddling each others' bits is not something that would get me going, but maybe the men like the idea of women doing all the hard foreplay work so they can just leap in at the right moment and get their jollies. Twice. If they're lucky. It brings a whole new raft of meaning to the term "lazy fucker".

Anyway, Vanessa and Lesleh have been thrown together in Saskia's not inconsiderable shadow, and they've decided to enjoy themselves while they're there. BB tells us that they enjoyed a good grope and a lingering snog in full view of the Lad Brigade last night, following a "sexy striptease" by Makosi. It makes Jade's drunken blowjob look classy.

Well, I suppose it's about time Vanessa did something, but Girlfriend, that's a bit cheap even by Thornton Heath standards! Don't you realise it ties you to a career of "sexy photoshoots", ill-advised cosmetic surgery and eating disorders. Not to mention a nasty rash or three and a possible baby from over-enthusiastic Championship League footballers - or minor Premiership full-backs if you're lucky. OK, it's better than working at Tesco's, but...have you no dignity at all?

Other news. Roberto ranted about wasting food, then did some more naked massages but the kiddies are turning against him and his dad-like ways. Everybody hates Derek, except Kemal and Science. Derek doesn't give a toss.

Sam is weird. Totally. Weird. I mean, who spends their life hanging around being ignored by the dominant crowd, then runs into the diary room to tell them that she's feeling well horny for AnTHony and/or Maxie and/or Science like some failed phone sex line auditionee. That was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes of television that I've seen since...I dunno...ODen's death scene. I wonder if the BB producers went "Ew! Ew!" and sprayed the diary room with Dettox afterwards.

Sam's slightly pathetic attempts to win group approval by picking on Derek prompted an all-out Kabul-style blanket water-bombing from Science on the rest of the house. Much howling, threats and more crap from AnTHony and Maxie. Science got sent to bed without any supper. Maxie puffed out his man-breasts, and Sam disappeared from my view again. Thank goodness.

Mary's eviction was a blow to us all. But she's turning out to be surprisingly articulate, non-irritating and charming on BBLB, so her future on minor cable psychic channels is assured, I suppose. What with all this simulated sex, tantrums and craziness, this BB is turning into the most surreal evah. Can they really keep this going all summer?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Scary Mary: The Shocking Truth!

Robin is clearly incorrect re her "Mary = Regan-from-the-Exorcist" hypothesis. Let us examine the evidence. Mystic Mary has mad staring eyes and extremely long black lank hair. She is obviously the scary killer ghost lady from "The Ring"!!! If she is evicted on Friday, she won’t just go out of the front door and have a chat with Davina – oh no, she will actually crawl out of the telly and stop our hearts with her dread gaze! Therefore it is vitally important that everyone votes for Craig and votes often! Our lives depend on it! (more to the point, Craig is borrrrring and Mary is comedy gold).

In other news, my girl Lesleh has hit upon the unique strategy of only ever talking about breasts. Who has got the biggest breasts? Who has got the fakest breasts? What is the geographical distribution of breast sizes around the nation? Breast breasts breasts breasts breasts. The only time she didn’t talk about breasts was when she was nominating Sam in the diary room. The Buxotic Bruiser said that Sam was an arse and not much else. Clearly she had to go as she was an arse and not BREASTS!!!

This strategy is paying dividends as Lesleh was the only housemate not to be nominated by anyone this week. She is some kind of tictacal genius! (does anyone remember BB2 Helen and her "tictacs"? Bless.)

Go Lesleh! Go Lesleh! etc

Scary Mary: Daughter of the Exorcist

Although coverage from the returns from the Dutch referendum was on last night, as it was less extensive and politically charged than the French vote, I did manage to catch a bit of the Big Brother. It was only about 20 minutes, but there seemed to be more fighting and bitchng going on than all of last season, and possibly all of seasons 1-4 put together. Main points of contention appear to be housemates being "fake", "two-faced" and "playing to the cameras".

Anyways, the most notable was when Mary and Saskia kicked off. Saskia went off like a kettle about to boil over, whilst Mary stared ahead sternly in a hypnotic trance. I remember the story of how Ross Perot's 1992 running mate James Stockdale once foiled his Vietcong captors by blinking torture in Morse code when paraded before newsmen and forced to make a "confession" in the Vietnam word. Does Mary work in similar ways? Possibly blinking "I think you're a dumb tart and so does everyone else" or similar? Except I'm not sure Mary actually has eyelids.

It all became the more frightening when Mary spat back her response "you are not co-MOO-ni-CATING" in a demonic voice similar to that of Regan in the Exorcist. As she is almost certain to be evicted this Friday (don't do it British public!), if she walks up the stairs to leave the Big Brother house backwards and in a backbend, I guess we will finally learn the truth.

NOMINATIONS: Classic Quotes

Anthony on Makosi: "She says she was an elephant, right? Well how come she's got such a shite memory?"

Derek on Sam: "She is an ASSASSIN"

Derek on Saskia: "It is wrong to substitute boobs for thought"

Makosi escapes the public vote this week by a whisker. Unfortunately so do Sam the Slapper and Roberto, as they all got exactly the same number of votes. Makosi chose Mystic Mary and Common Craig to face the public vote - and boy, did she take her time about it.


Not that I want to influence your voting or anything, but if Mystic Mary wasn't in there, she'd need care in the community. Vote Craig!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Big Brothel 6

I find it really heartening to hear that there are people in this world
that are passionate about things that are really important, like Robin's
other half and the French verdict on Europe, which amounted to a big
"pah!" as far as I could tell. I, on the other hand, am much more
concerned with finding great depths in murky shallows, and BB6 is
providing both in abundance.


Makosi finally got a handle on what she was supposed to do, and hack
everyone off. Once she got the hang of it she did it in impressive
style, and is possibly subverting BB's original intention of being
unlucky by getting the public to sympathise with her and even like her
while annoying her fellow inmates. Or was that their twisted plan all
along, bwa haa haa. Will she carry on acting the prima donna once the
shackles are off though? BB possibly overdid it when everybody got their
suitcases back but Makosi was given the wrong key. After an hour of
tears and pleading they gave her a bunch of about 200 keys and said
"take your time, shweetheart". At this point I thought it would be a
good idea to get Mystic Mary on the case and use her special all-seeing
enormous eyes and powers of divination to pick out the right key. In
fact I think someone did ask her but she made some excuse like "my
powers are weak today, and I don't do keys".


I salute BB's idea of "unlucky 13th housemate" as it is a worthy attempt
to prevent the most-nominated (and therefore the most interesting)
person being given the heave-ho too early. Talking of ho's, how come
Channel4 feel no guilt about having instructed their minions with "bring me
your candidates with the mightiest boobies"? I'm surprised they didn't
send for the Triple-Breasted Whores of Babylon but instead had to make
do with rack upon rack of mighty racks. Maxwell's head is dizzy with
pain from being over-ladded. If he stays in any length of time he's
going to develop a serious neck problem. I fluctuate with liking and
loathing of Maxwell, he's the most irritating of lads but then does his
penitent puppy look and everyone goes "ahhh" and then he's back to "get
yer tits out fer the lads" in virtually the same move. Probably yet
another example of sensitive caring person hiding it all away in the
comfort zone of being a Laddite. But can anyone be bothered to scratch
the surface? Claw the surface more like.


Robin reckoned she saw Derek speaking in rhyme, and yes I saw that bit
too. I wondered at the time if that was just him idly entertaining
himself while everybody slept, or if it was a well-rehearsed piece of
ad-lib trying to nab the role of lovable eccentric. Judging by the lack
of rhyming or meter in his rap (yes they were all asked to do a
mini-task rap - particularly enjoyed deadpan BB voice giving out "nuff
respect" etc) I would say he doesn't possess much in the way of a
natural facility with rhyming couplets, so I'm inclined to suspect he
has a series of rehearsed speeches logged to memory to be whipped out
when appropriate.


I had Kemal down as the winner as this just from his audition tape, and
he hasn't disappointed. Camper than Charles Hawtrey dancing on fairy
cakes, with beguiling eyes and (reasonably) quick wit he's got this sewn
up in a sequinned Gucci purse (if they do such things - if not they may
have to start). I was a bit alarmed when he first entered the house and
said "is this the house?", then entered the bedroom with 11 beds and
said "is this the bedroom?", but will put this down to nerves as he
since shown considerably stronger powers of awareness. He and Derek
worked out Makosi's task and are enjoying being part of the wind-up,
this kind of analysis is well beyong the rest of the bunch.


My PSH, Craig, is proving to be conspicuous only by his anonymity.
Little to say other than to swear a lot, I predict he will last longer
than he should because he will be told to make like the two Julies in
Bad Girls and do my hair, bitch. Also, although he offends the general
public (well, me anyway) he doesn't seem to be offending the housemates,
although of course he has a capital "L" imprinted on his forehead so
tactically it suits everybody that he stays as long as possible.


Roberto - did he really lie down and gesture at his face and body and
say to the group "this is a gift - a gift"? I hope he donates his vanity
to science - no not that Science. The Ali G of BB6 will not be long for
this programme, I can't help wondering if he has a brother called Social
Science. Not only is he from the hood, but he can analyse the social
conditions that got him there.

BIG BROTHER
I take it back about Makosi. She's playing them like puppets and muttering "dance monkeys! dance!!" under her breath. Only Kemal and Derek have worked out that she's up to something, and they're gleefully joining in the wind-up.

Vanessa hasn't done anything of note. Other than nervously agree with Craig, who keeps moaning quietly about the others. The Hair Bare Bunch (Lesleh, Saskia and Mystic Mary) seem to be doing lots of bitching about each others' breasts. Sam seems to be concentrating on diverting male attention away from Lesleh's breasts. This is a full-time job, it seems.

Comment of the night from Sam in response to Saskia moaning that she only gets offered "glamour" work: "You're not even all that glamour, really..."

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